Important Announcement

I have decided that I am going to abstain from writing long posts. This is a result of an in-depth analysis done by me over the last few weeks. I would spare my readers of the details since they are too esoteric for the common folk and sum up the reasons for this decision. Though there are 5 reasons, I will explain only the first two and not elaborate the other three since they are too controversial and might damage my reputation as one of the finest story tellers of this generation

1.I am too indolent to write long posts at higher frequency
2.It’s easier to talk intellectual bullshit in spurts
3.Reason number 3
4.Reason number 4
5.Reason number 5

For the sake of clarity, the aforementioned reasons are in their order of priority.

Sincerely,

The Blah Man

It's a GOAL!

It is around 10 in the night. I don’t have a very clear idea of the time but my super human sense of time indicates that it is close to 10 pm. I can feel the heat of the situation; my calf muscles are pulled up and are begging for rest, my heart is racing and the adrenalin is rushing as if it’s chasing the last local train out of CST. Yet, I ignore all of this. All I need now is to keep my focus going for a few more minutes and then the glory shall be mine.

Standing underneath the bright floodlights on a green carpet of soft grass, I look around at the cheering crowd in the stadium. The chants of my name by thousands of fans, banners reading - “We love you No.10!”, and security persons lined up on the upper stands’ parapet to keep my female fans from jumping off in excitement; all these elements urge me to carry on. All 11 of us are dressed in blue, the official color of the Indian cricket team. But this isn’t cricket. This is football, a game that was never a forte of Indians.

I am not probably the best person to comment on how things changed for India and me. I have a feeling that I have the entire story intact in my subconscious mind but somehow after that fateful incident when I was hit on the head by a load of bird shit I forgot all about my past life (I will share the details of the unfortunate incident some other time). Anyway, let me just sum it up in one breath before I start sounding unbelievable - “India is playing the finals of the world cup. The venue is probably Eden gardens, the rivals are some random team dressed in yellow. Our team is in blue and although I cant recognize all of them, I can definitely identify Ronaldo, Rooney, Ballack , Beckham and Bhutia.

At the moment, we are into the last 50 seconds of the game. The scores are tied at 2-2. I know that if we don’t score another goal, our chances of winning are as good as zero. Our goalkeeper ‘D’ was once a wicket keeper for the Indian cricket team but could never do much to keep the small cricket ball from escaping him. He thought he had a better chance at collecting bigger balls and landed into the national football team.
Beckham is taking a shot after a player from the opponent’s team grabbed Ronaldo inappropriately while trying to tackle the ball. As Beckham takes the shot, I can already see the opportunity slipping out of our hands. The shot clearly doesn’t match up to the international levels of professional football. I make a mental note of kicking him out of the team after this match since he has lost his sheen after being dumped by Posh. However, I need to make up for the bad shot and give my best to the moment. I keep a close eye on the ball as it flies almost opposite to the opponents’ goal post, hitting Ronaldo on the face (I suppose it’s just not a good day for him). Bhutia , who is standing just behind the centre line hits it back using his chest in a movement resembling the way our Tennis icons Paes and Bhupati used to celebrate a point by hitting their chests against each others’ . The ball flies almost half the length of the field and sensing an opportunity, I make a dash for it. The ball lands in the opponents’ D and I slide a good 10 feet to make a contact with it and push it through one of the rival players (who I believe is Andrew Symonds). With no time to waste as we move into the last 10 seconds of the game, I get back on my feet and run with the ball towards the goal.

The goalkeeper along with 4 other players, charges at me forming a human wall between me and the goal. I weigh my options quickly and decide to get in my super acrobatic skills into play (I acquired these skills while I was a super hero in Cambodia). I hold the ball in between my feet and perform a semi somersault. As a result, I am on both my hands and my legs are up with the ball caught between my feet. The next moment I toss the ball above the human wall using the momentum of my legs.

Everybody watches with bated breath as the ball clears the wall and soars into the goal post. A blanket of silence covers the stadium for a few seconds. The world has just witnessed an act of unprecedented athleticism. The crowd erupts into a victory roar and all my team mates rush to hug me. I acknowledge the crowd, I toss the ball and with all my might hit it to the stands…..

…… There is an unbearable pain in my right foot. The right big toe is throbbing and I am trying hard to stop a scream from escaping my mouth. As I slowly get back to my senses I realize that I had hit the wall next to my bed in full strength.

I missed the Gym and limped all day. The pain subsided but somehow the memory has refused to get diluted. I take it as my moral responsibility to apprise my readers with this because I have chosen to believe that this incident is only a harbinger of bigger things to come.

Also, please do not be appalled by the mention of international stars in the Indian football team. My extensive research of the dream tells me that this was probably because these are the only names I know from the world of football. My apologies to all football fans if I have hurt their sentiments in any way.

Sincerely,
The Blah Man

Nonty will never be back :(

With great grief I announce the sad demise of Nonty. After being in the operation theatre for over 60 hours, he was declared dead today at 1500 hours. Nonty was diagnosed with acute hydrophillia; an ailment which ultimately took him to his deathbed.

On December 18, 2008 Nonty landed himself into deep shit when he jumped into a flushing toilet. After being rescued, Nonty was given first aid under a 100W lamp. When attempts to resuscitate failed, he was put under the hand drier in the office toilet but to no avail. It was then that he was rushed to the NCU (Nokia Care Unit). Nonty was admitted amidst serious doubts on complete revival and was put through a lengthy operation from December 19th onwards.
As I waited anxiously at the delivery desk, the chief technician informed me with a somber face and load of spit: " Sorry we khan not be able to rephair it Sir!" Drenched in the conversational spit , I walked out of the NCU;petrified and emotionless. It was only after a lot of words of comfort from my friends that I decided to write down this obituary.

Nonty was a great companion and a Phonetastic photographer. In a lifespan of just 10 months he took over 800 high quality photographs in the most perilous locations like the public toilets of shopping malls Garment stores with shady names and People wearing funny clothes and accessories. All these pictures were contributed to the posts about the city of Chennai on my blog.

Let’s get together and observe a moment of silence for the brave Nonty, who gave up his life in the line of duty.

Regards,

The Blah Man

P.S: In Nonty’s absence, Nannu would fill in for his role.

Monty is Back!

I have been under tremendous pressure for some time now. The reason is that I haven’t updated this space for 2 months now and hence it becomes imperative that I have a celebrated comeback.
My wait for a seriously ridiculous thing to happen to me was brought to an end when a friend and I decided to watch Hemesh Reshammiya’s Karzzzzzzz last Sunday.
This post is dedicated to HR and his ability to make a star* of himself in whatever he does.

* A wise person once said – “A word may not spell what it is supposed to mean”

The movie has some brilliant display of HR’s acting and singing abilities. While he relentlessly continues to croon is songs which are bound to make you NOSEtalgic, his acting abilities surely appear to have been honed since his debut.

A few things that’ll make every HR fan proud:
HR’s open arms: Our Himesh Bhai’s favorite pose. Once in every song, he stretches out his hands, closes his eyes, puts on a constipated look on his face and stands in the middle of a crowd of people to render a unique sound which one would first believe to be a mating call. It has been discovered that this sound has multiple frequency levels and can even be heard by dolphins several thousand miles across. Recently a group of marine scientists in Australia were befuddled when they found dolphins change their behavior dramatically between 12 pm and 12 am everyday. The dolphins were also seen exhibiting a strong affinity to capped men in boats. They virtually jumped out of the sea to reach out to these men and made desperate attempts to pinch their caps. Scientists believe that this behavior can only be attributed to a unique high frequency sound which evokes the dolphins to indulge in this kind of behavior. Whether the sound pleases them or irritates them is yet to be discovered.
HR makes women fall for him at the drop of his cap: Literally. While his earlier movie had shots where the crowd went crazy for him, his second movie shows us what HR can do if he takes his cap off. In the first song of the movie you can see several firang and desi babes fainting as HR strikes his deadly open arms pose. You can also see the ushers and security guards waiting for them to drop so that they can carry them away. All those women who had doubts on Himesh’s CAPabilities, please take note.
HR can play the electric guitar with no strings attached: Our HR needs no cords and knows no chords. He plays the electric guitar effortlessly without any electricity cords attached and to add to it his abilities are so extreme that he doesn’t need to move through the frets of his guitar. He just has to hold it and it plays whatever he wants it to play. At times I feel that he can even produce the guitar sound from his mouth. Especially because he NOSE that he doesn’t need his mouth to sing.
HR has his own favorites: I found this out after watching Karzzzzz. In a particular scene Urmila Matondkar (clearly jealous of HR’s hair ) asks him after smelling his perfume – “Casablanca?” and our Himesh puts on the most somber look on his face , looks into her eyes, flares up his nostrils and says without a smile, “Yes. It is my favorite” I could give him an Oscar just for the way he delivered that line on screen. I am sure a lot of women in the theatres ( if there were any) would have bitten their lips on that one!

A final piece of advice for all those planning to watch the movie: Please take it with a pinch of salt. The movie is actually a spoof of the original Karz, only that the producer has forgotten to mention it. Please do not blame Himesh Reshammiya , IT IS MEANT TO BE THAT WAY!!!
Also, please do not leave any comments bad mouthing HR. I shall not tolerate any such behavior **
Sincerely,
The Blah Man

** I am kidding please go ahead :)

Attention Marketers!

I was in Kanpur recently for some work (Yes, I also work). A colleague took me to a famous sweet seller and while everybody enjoyed their sweets, I was lost -appreciating the brilliant bit of marketing a low profile Halwai had put into his business.

I took a picture and decided that it would contribute to the first sane entry on my blog

The Tag line says “Aisa Koi Saga Nahi, Jisko Hamne Thaga Nahi!”

Mr. Thaggu planned to diversify. Keeping in mind that his core competence lay in sweets, he introduced a new but related product - Kulfi and aptly named it as Badnaam Kulfi; keeping the notorious brand positioning in mind all the while!

For those who didn’t know, Thaggu ke Laddoo are famous not only in Kanpur but across the country. Also featured in several Hindi movies, these Laddoos enjoy quite a fan following.

Sincerely,
The Blah Man

P.S: I took me an entire day to decide if I wanted to write anything sensible on this blog and a sleepless night wondering if I did the right thing by putting it up.

Adapting to Chennai-Land

In an attempt to completely paint myself in the colors of Chennai, I have been doing a lot of frivolous things of late. A list of five such things I did during the last week follows:

1. I spat on at least 18 people while talking to them. This averages out to about 2.6 people every day which I think is good progress considering I spat at only 7 people during the week before – This translates into a growth of 160%!

2. I haggled with Auto walas for absolutely frivolous reasons. For example, I asked the Auto walas to charge one rupee less in fare when the prices of milk went up by one rupee citing an increase in my expenses without a commensurate increase in my salary as the reason

3. I moved around with a bovine expression on face. I have a feeling that this conceals the intellectual look I have and makes me look as one of them

4. I resolved to wear a lungi to bed..Soon!

5. I watched a Tamil blockbuster


Of the five things listed above, the most painful experience was sitting through the 3 ½ hour long Tamil blockbuster. The movie has Tamil super star Kamala Hassan playing 10 roles and has turned me into a Kamala Hassan devotee (I am planning to construct a chain of Kamala Temples across the country). For the benefit of the readers let me mention the best thing about the movie. One of Mr. Hassan’s avatars is a Sardar who is a famous pop singer. The brilliance of the script lies in the attention paid to detail with our Sardar pop icon singing Tamil songs. To add to this, the script also offers a sneak preview of cutting edge technology in the field of medical science when after being diagnosed with terminal throat cancer, our star singer recovers completely when he is shot in the throat by a bullet. The logic of course is that as the bullet travelled through his throat , it took the cancer along. Extremely believable.

I have now decided to watch a Tamil movie every month. This would help me maintain a level of insanity and keep my readers happy with more of my trade mark badinage on offer.

For those wondering why I decided to watch the movie in the first place, the reason is free popcorn and Coke that was offered to all the employees of my organization for sitting through the movie.

Sincerely,

The Blah Man

Back to Chennai

The Bombay tales are over and I am back in Chennai. Just as I was beginning to feel that I've seen it all, I came across this unique sight in one of the most frequented washrooms in the whole of Chennai.

The washroom in discussion exists in the oldest and largest shopping mall of Chennai - Spencer Plaza. The place is always full of people and quite a place to hangout if you want to check out the local crowd.

Believe it or not, but as you enter the Gents washroom, the wall opposite to the entrance greets you with the sign - "LEG WASH"

My reaction - "!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Unbelievable stuff! I clicked a picture even as every other person performing his usual act in the loo was scandalized and tried covering whatever they felt was at the risk of exposure.

Please excuse the quality of the picture as I couldn't get the focus right to avoid a yet another story titled -" Man beaten up for taking pictures in the loo"

And before anybody accuses me of getting Chennai and it's people a bad name, I would like to wash my legs of this affair.

Sincerely ,
The Blah Man