Tips on celebrity handling

I consider myself very lucky when it comes to meeting celebrities. I have met them in shopping malls, gymnasiums, on the road, on the beach, in the middle of traffic, at restaurants and coffee shops, at airports, in airplanes even in the buses from the terminal to the aircraft. One might ask – “ So whats the big deal!” I say, it is a big deal. In a country where people are so obsessed with celebrities that they worship them, it is a big deal to run into celebrities every now and then. In fact the frequency at which I have bumped into them has made me feel like quite a celebrity magnet.

So that technically establishes me as the expert on celebrity encounters and hence I have decided to share a few tips on how to handle celebrity presence. If you think you are too suave to be reading anything like this, you can quickly save this post on your computer and read it in private when you are sure no body is watching you ( some places that assure you privacy are – the restrooms, your neighborhood library, the graveyard and your office’s conference room)

Here we go:

Tip 1: Never balk when you spot a celebrity. The trick is to continue to walk even after having spotted them and then strategically sit down to tie your shoe laces while you watch/admire/ogle them. In case your shoes do not have shoe laces or you aren’t really wearing shoes, you can still pretend to be tying your shoe laces because it’s the celebrity and not you who has all the eyeballs

Tip 2: If you feel like looking at the celeb for a longer time, the shoe lace trick might not really work. While you can continue to keep tying your shoe laces alternatively repeatedly, you can not do it for more than a couple of minutes. Also, you run the risk of being fallen over by people who are walking around with their heads turned towards the celeb and tripping over you. Your mobile phone works beautifully in this situation. Place yourself strategically so that the celeb is well within sight and then pretend to talk on your mobile phone while casually, yet intently fixing your gaze on the target. Make sure you have turned it to the silent mode to avoid embarrassment due to friends who always call at the wrong time. The call can continue for as long as you want to. Animated gestures and intermittent laughter lend greater credibility to this act

Tip 3: A lot of us might want to look at them up close. The mobile phone trick wouldn’t work here because you are obviously talking gibberish on the phone and would prefer to stay out of the hearing zone of the celeb and their companions. If you spot a celeb in a coffee shop or a restaurant, take the seat close to them. Ideally a seat at an angle of elevation of 45 degrees is apt for such a mission. I have demonstrated that in the diagram below for a quick reference.

Diagram: Celebrity and You at a 45 degree angle of elevation

There is a strong probability that the celeb would be visited by other celebs and you don’t want to miss the opportunity of getting two birds with one stone! Order the cheapest drink in the menu so that a refill doesn’t burn a hole in your pocket. You could also order a sandwich and finish it really slowly… then, after you’ve had the sandwich, kill your time by licking the sauce. It comes for free so you can always ask for more.

Tip 4: This one is for those who want to go a step ahead and actually strike a conversation with the celeb. This isn’t easy considering the fact that you might have AWE written all over your face. So the trick is to act as normal as you can strike a casual conversation with something like- “Could you please help me with the time?” and then follow it up with - “ Hey ! I know you.. Are you from the silver screen?” Or if that sounds too obvious then go with- “Excuse me, I think you are on my seat” and then create a row. Celebrities like overwhelming people with their presence but they also hate negative publicity. More often than not, they would try to press upon you who they are and this is the opportunity you need to grab. Here’s how the conversation should materialize:

You: Excuse me, I think you are on my seat...

Celeb: Sorry? But I found this unoccupied..

You: You mean to say I am lying? You want me to prove I am right? Do you want me to call everyone in the coffee shop to come and testify?? Is anyone listening? This person has taken my seat! .. Police!

Celeb: (In panic) He.. hello.. excuse me .. I think you are getting it all wrong.. you see I am Kaifreena Kat.. the filmstar…

You: Well yeah? You expect me to believe that? Let’s see your signature… I know Kaifreena Kat’s signatures…. Here.. write something on this tissue .. something like – “ I loved having coffee with you – Love Kaifreena” and then sign..

The celeb would weigh her options and then obviously would see this as an easier way out. She would sign on the tissue and there you go.. an all personalized autograph that you can brag about to your friends!

Tip 5: I call this tip - paparazzo panache. As the name indicates, this one is for fans who not only want to see celebs but also want to click them. Now celebs are really weary of cameras (for obvious reasons) so the trick here is to be as secretive as possible with the act. Two possible ways to do this effectively:

― Sit at a right angle to the celeb and pretend to talk on your phone. With the phone pressed to the ear facing the celeb, click the camera button to capture the celeb at the right moment. This might take some practice but it is an easier ruse to pull off

― If your phone/camera has a timer, fix the timer for around 5 seconds and toss it towards the celeb. The trajectory should be such that the camera should be right in front of the celebrity while on its projectile motion downwards. I would recommend this only for physicists or engineers since a successful execution required complex mathematical calculations

I would strongly recommend against asking the celeb to pose for a picture because I believe in taking natural photographs like this one:

A celeb in a natural pose

Finally, you might want to make one lasting impression on the celeb before either you or she/he leaves. My suggestion is present her/him with one of the following:

― Emptied sachets of the ketchup you licked

― Crumbs of the sandwich you devoured

― The last few sips of the cappuccino you had

These are not the kind of gifts they would normally get so you are bound to make a lasting impression.

A word of caution though - Make sure you bolt after making the offering. I am saying this for the simple reason that I have never stayed back to see what happens if you don’t run. Good Luck.

Sincerely,

The Blah Man

EEEKS!

It's funny what Chennai heat and customer care executives can do to one's mental state. While all this while I have had bouts of insanity dealing with the servicing team of my erstwhile refrigerator and mobile phone, a friend elevated herself to the next level. She wrote a letter to her boyfriend amidst the frustration of several rounds of futile interactions with the customer care team of a leading telecom company. I am reproducing the content of the letter here. Let this be the benchmark of frustration and the subsequent vent-out of the most effective kind.

TO: J

Subject: Airtel.Is not my friend.

Dear J,

After incessant follow up, submitting documents, running around in the Chennai heat to go to the nearest Airtel showroom, which happens to be at the annoying distance of ‘too far to walk to in this heat, too close for an auto to let go of the chance to be an total chor’, Airtel finally pretends they have received no documents from me and have disconnected my number altogether.

Why baby. Why would they do this.

I am now beyond rage, which is normal when you don’t have a face to target it at. I do however pity the customer care executive who will come face to face with me this evening at the Airtel showroom. He has no idea I cry when I’m angry.

Should be fun.

In recent service awards based on research by Frost and Sullivan, Airtel was declared the best service provider in India. Imagine that. In the whole country baby.

If ever there was a good reason to immigrate..

..And to think, I almost applied to Frost and Sullivan when they were recruiting on campus. Clearly, they are completely retarded and have no idea how to interpret data.

In fact, they might just be inefficient enough to find a job at Airtel.

I will now log off. I will think positive. I will go to Airtel. I will be calm and I will find a good customer care executive who will help me sort this out in no time and my number will be up and running and I shall have no further problems with Airtel for the duration of my time here…

.. and then little fairies will find me and I shall fly with them into the night and take over the world.

Much love.

Yours,

S.

P.S I have taken S's permission to put this up. She and I both believe that this will serve as a pathbreaking example on How to handle EIICS syndrome( Extreme Insanity due to Issues of Customer Service.Pronounced: Eeeeks!)

Regards,

The Blah man

Missing

MISSING

Two black shoes with 2 grey socks stuffed in them. Last seen in my drawing room on the evening of Friday, May 23,2009. The right shoe is called Jugnu and has a small scar on its right side and the left one is known as Jhingur and has an absolutely clear spotless skin. Both look a good pair together and it is highly likely that they would be found together.

The shoes and the socks were found missing today morning and I have a suspicion that some really visiually/mentally challenged person ran away with them because Jugnu and Jinghur were in the company of other shoes who were far better placed in life like - A white Nike, A black Adidas and some floaters and slippers from reputed brand families. The sudden departure of both of them has left me distraught and utterly embarrased for having to wear sports shoes over formal trousers to office today.

If anybody comes across Jugnu and Jinghur or gets any information on their whereabouts, please contact your nearest police station immediately. I have already registered an FIR to this effect .

Suspects: The Maid, The neighbour (an old man who had been casting an evil eye on Jugnu), One of the Zoozoos from the Vodafone campaign

Sad and shaken,

The Blah Man

P.S: Additional info - The socks were called Sockrates and Sockvinder

How I Got My House: Episode 2 - The Landlord

Luke and Lea are quiet. After reassuring myself that they had stabilized, I decide that it is safe to put the gun away and start with my story. Just to keep things so, I call R2D2, the family droid and ask him to aim at the kids while I narrate the story with all my histrionics. And so I begin..

Me: It was the first day of our house search - The first Sunday after the day our Landlord- let's call him Doggy,told us that he had decided to throw us out because he did not want bachelors as his tenants anymore. Doggy was the quintessential landlord - about 5 and a half feet tall, the darkest shade of ebony,had a protruding belly, moved around with two mobile phones in his hands and two bluetooth ear peices - one in each of his ears . We had several reasons to believe that he was a blood sucking vampire and hence we always kept garlic by the door to keep him away. Doggy had a terrible anger management problem and to top it all , he was a lawyer. It was common knowledge that Doggy had stopped going to the court several years ago and had taken up blood sucking as a full time job. He owned over 40 appartments in the city which he had rented out to his victims. He also owned 2 hatchbacks, 1 SUV, 1 motorbike and 1 scooter. No points for guessing that he moved around on the scooter. I still remember the first day we had gone to meet him to talk about renting the appartment. Doggy had a special dedicated room for blood sucking. If you were a tenant , you had to be in that room every first day of the month to pay the rent, which he would accept as if he had accepted the price for letting you stay alive for another month. So the first day as we entered the room, we noticed this other guy sitting with an expression that reminded me of a squashed tomato. The squashed tomoto was trying his best to argue his case with Doggy and it appeared to be a money issue. Doggy was however not interested since he had two fresh - still full of life young men waiting for him to suck their blood. We should've seen it coming that day, but we chose to believe that the squashed tomato had probably goofed up really bad to deserve that treatment. It was the second big mistake we had comitted with regards to Chennai .The first ofcourse was coming to Chennai.

There after every month , for 10 months we dutifully went to Doggy's blood sucking room on the first day of the month to pay our rent for the house. Doggy on the other hand never showed up at our place to bother us which we believe was due to the garlic. Never, unitil the day he announced that he was looking for fresh blood and we should start packing our bags.

Lea: So, what did you you do? Did you find another house? Was it as good as the previous one?

Clearly, Lea has found herself completely engrossed in my narration and can not wait to get to the end. But I am no ordinary reconteur. So I ask her to be patient.

Me: Hang on..hang on...this isn't getting over fast. Finding a house is no easy job! One has to take care of several things. Why dont we grab a cup of coffee... this will take time..

To be continued..

How I Got My House: Episode 1

The year is 2050. I am sitting on a chair and my children are seated in front of me on a couch.They are called Luke and Lea ( I have an uncanny feeling that some hollywood director might just like these names and name his movie's protagonists after them. Also, I feel that the movie might have something to do with space age et al.) Both Luke and Lea are into their teens and have plans with friends, but I, have forced them to sit and listen to a gripping tale of "How I got my house"
Me: So kids, today I will tell you an interesting story of how I got my house.
LU: Aw C'mon ! I've got to go and catch a movie today with Lonku! He's always made to watch The Dark Knight with Uncle Manku and gets an off only on Saturdays when Uncle Manku is busy shooting kids in the neighbourhood..
LE: And I have a lot of geekwork to catch up on with Parthibha, she's managed to get hold of Uncle Partha's Geek gadgets ! He usually hides them under his pillow and we seldom get such opportunities!
Me: I know , I know.. but I've got to tell you this story and you both bloody listen...
I point guns at the kids' heads and they sit back tight to enjoy the tale.

To be continued.......

House That!

In the month of February this year, Murphy struck more than once. First our Refrigerator conked off and then our landlord asked us to vacate the house. Though both these incidents appear to be very innocuous, they have both gone on to become epic tales which I shall narrate to my grand children some day to establish myself a hero in front of them. I will write more on both these issues on some lazy Sunday afternoon, but for now, here's a classified ad that you might come across if you were looking for a rented accomodation in Chennai:

The picture was clicked and shared by a colleague, and apparantly Mr. Champak is a popular broker who is known for his innovative copywriting. The grapewine is that several ad agencies have tried to rope him in but Mr. Champak prefers to operate solo.

I have a house now but I am sure that if I had come across Mr. Champak's ad before I would've taken a house through his services only.. after all, not everyone can offer you houses of Milk and Jaggery!
Sincerely,

The Blah Man

What's that!

I was in Pondicherry last weekend. I thought I would draft a post out of my experience in Pondy and put some sensible stuff on this seldom updated rotten blog which I had hoped would fetch me a lot fo money some day (Sigh...!). Well as it turns out, I was made to realise this yet again that sensible writing is not my forte.

So here it is the most remarkable part of my Pondy experience; While on a beach (locally known as the Paradise beach) I saw this:

I could infer the following from this sight with reasonable amount of confidence :

1. Aspiring to be a mermaid is not a prerogative of only women
2. As our nation progresses through an increasingly liberalised economy , it is o.k to use your underwear as your swimming trunk ( Don't question the connection between economy and underwear here, it's a complex mathematical calcullation; too esoteric to be elucidated here)
3. Indians are not dark skinned, it's just that we like to lie in the summer sun at noon wearing our underwear and unknowingly get more tanned than we'd like to

A closer look into the picture would reveal that our friend also tried to rub some sand on his body to add some oomph to the look. Baywatch babes , watch out!

Sincerely,

The Blah Man