Rendezvous With a Doctor

It was a bright Sunday afternoon. I had been through a grueling week and was looking forward to spending some time doing what I do best- Nothing. It has always amazed me how busy I have kept myself all these years doing ‘nothing’ – an activity I started indulging in while I was an engineering student. My friends and I would get over with the classes and then dutifully visit ‘Pandey Café’ where we would sit for hours together munching on chips, talking and wasting the valuable time of some studious engineering student while trying to explain to him that life was about having fun and not stressing oneself out with studies. How doing ‘nothing’ translated into having fun is still beyond me. However, this Sunday afternoon I was determined to rekindle old memories of my engineering days and with no quizzes and presentations lined up, I was all set.

I had almost started feeling busy with my nothingness when I heard somebody knock at my door. I could never make a mistake in identifying that knock. A knock which carried the urgency of a person who had come to inform that the world was coming to an end in the next 5 minutes and we might want to bolt while we could. A knock typical of Shuvi.

Shuvi was one of my closest friends in business school. We had quite a few things in common- Short height, flair for speaking and arguing, falling hair, sense of humor and stomach disorders. In fact a lot of people would have regarded us Siamese Twins –similar and inseparable - had it not been for one big difference. Shuvi hated wasting his time in doing anything that he found unproductive. We had several arguments over how doing nothing could have its own productive outcomes but we could never agree with each other’s points of view. Shuvi believed that he had come to a business school to study business and this required him to stay busy all the time. Nothing could ever distract him from his studies except a health disorder. Shuvi was extremely cautious when it came to matters of his health. He had somehow concluded that all the bacteria, viruses and bugs in the world had resolved to make him sick and hence was always at war with them. He sprayed his room with myriad insect repellants which served a two fold purpose of keeping the insects as well as me away.

So when he knocked, I was sure that either he had come to remind me of my responsibilities towards a project work or there was something wrong with his health.
The very thought of doing some work disrupted the peace of my mind. I crossed my fingers and opened the door. The expression on Shuvi’s face cleared my doubts. Drooping eyes, emaciated face ­­­- I was relieved that it wasn’t about work!

Shuvi had been bitten by a bug a few days ago. The news would have made the headlines of our school newspaper (if there were one). You could observe people all over the campus talking in whispers about how a daring bug had managed to stay alive in Shuvi’s room and bitten him. It was noteworthy that everyone talked about it with respect like that for a martyr. It had succumbed to the fatal injuries after it had been squashed by Shuvi but had managed to hit its target before falling in the battlefield.

The bite had resulted in a boil which had grown bigger over the last few days .Shuvi was unable to concentrate on his business of being busy because of this so, of course, it called for immediate attention. I changed out of my pajamas and we decided to go to the official school doctor – Dr. Dhingra.

I had thought that the name was a mere joke when I had heard of it the first time from seniors. Dr.Dhingra sounded like a name straight out of a Hindi flick but other students had confirmed that he actually existed and I was waiting for an opportunity to see him.

We reached his clinic and waited for some time before he called us in. Dr. Dhingra was a short man with no neck and wore rectangular glasses which rested on his big-wide nose.

I had a feeling that this was going to be a memorable meeting. What happened next would best be described through the actual conversation that took place among us –

Shuvi and S: Good afternoon doctor!
DD: Good afternoon young men!

Shuvi took a seat next to the doctor while I sat across them.

Shuvi: Sir, I have been bitten by a bug on my neck and it’s not getting any better.

Dr.Dhingra observed the boil and smirked as if to mock at the boil and the late Mr. Bug

DD: Very well, here are a few medicines (he scribbled a couple of names in his illegible handwriting) take them for two days and you’d be fine!
Shuvi: Sir, are you sure that there wont be any side effects?

Dr. Dhingra’s facial expressions changed as if he had just been challenged for a duel. His nostrils flared and I could see his lungs through them now.

DD: SIDE EFFECTS????? Did you just say side effects??

I swear I would have apologized to him and promised never to use that word in my life had I been in Shuvi’s place, but even Shuvi seemed to be getting ready for the duel.

Shuvi: Yes Sir, aren’t allopathic medicines supposed to have side effects?
DD: Son, tell me one thing in the world which does not have side effects!

Shuvi smiled as if he had a winning answer to Dr. Dhingra’s question ready.
Shuvi: Water… water sir! It doesn’t have any side effects!
DD: Aha! Let us have a discussion on this one! I love discussions!

I was panicking! This wasn’t looking good.

Shuvi: Sure Sir…so what do you say about water, eh?
DD: You keep on drinking water …don’t stop and keep drinking. Eventually your brain would be bloated and you’d die – SIDE EFFECT!

Touché Doc! I thought as I nudged Shuvi to signal him to give it up. But Shuvi had taken up the challenge; he wasn’t going to run away from this one.

Shuvi: What about oxygen sir? We take it in all the time don’t we?
Dr. Dhingra glared at us. I thought his eyes were going to pop out any moment.

DD: Are you a science student?
S: Err…Yes sir I am!

I realized what a grave mistake I had committed the moment I said this. Dr.Dhingra had now assumed that I was an ally to Shuvi and I could see that I was going to be slaughtered.

DD: So, if I kept a man in an oxygen chamber for a few days and then I took him out, what would happen to him?
S: Well, I think he’d be just fine…. except of course he’d be furious for being locked in for so many days!
DD: Hah!

Dr. Dhingra looked at me and I knew something terrible was about to happen to me. I cowered in my chair.

DD: WRONG! He’d die!!! Because his body would have gotten used to all that extra oxygen and when he is brought out, he would die due to lack of desired amount of oxygen! To add to it, don’t you know that Oxygen helps in burning? What happens when you fry some stuff.... O2 breaks down into two atoms... if a few single atoms are left on the surface of the food when you eat it; they go down your throat burning everything in the way! Acidity......SIDE EFFECT! Beware of oxygen!

I was almost petrified. Never had I thought that oxygen could do so much harm. I held back my breath for sometime in fear but then concluded that it was better to die with oxygen than without it.

Shuvi and I had by now decided to give up. We found it necessary to keep our sanity. But Dr. Dhingra had smelled victory, he was going for the kill!

DD: O.K., tell me, is exercise good?

This was an easy one! We replied in affirmative vigorously nodding our heads.

DD: Wrong!! It’s BAD!

Now this put me off, I was quite a fitness freak then and I could argue that exercise if done properly could never harm.

S: But sir…
DD: No But! Listen to me first! How long does a tortoise live?
Shuvi: 150-200 years approximately.
DD: Have you people ever seen a tortoise which moves fast?
S: No sir. In fact it is one of the slowest creatures.
DD: Precisely! What about an elephant? How long does it live?
S: My guess would be around 70 years!
DD: Ever seen it move fast?
S: Nope!
DD: Now tell me how long does a mosquito or a house fly live?
Shuvi: A few weeks…. a couple of months at most!
DD: Don’t they keep fluttering around all the time without staying still a single moment?

We nodded in affirmative wondering what he was leading us to.

DD: See!! I told you!!! You move around a lot, you exercise a lot; your life span would be short. On the other hand, if you chose to be a slug, you’d live much longer!

We were baffled! I wanted to pull my hair out and scream. Even Shuvi looked like he’d been stung by a bigger insect.

Shuvi: Sir, I tell you, I have never been exposed to these universal truths before!
DD: Aww Come on! I was just warming up. By the way now that you have mentioned, I have some very potent arguments against some universally accepted theories!

We knew it; we had to make a dash. If we stayed any longer we’d need a psychiatrist so we got up at once.

Shuvi: Thank you sir. May be some other time. You see, we have a class!

Dr. Dhingra was clearly disappointed.

DD: Oh! I see. But you people can always come over later. It would be good fun having another discussion .What say?

We didn’t say anything! With our tails between our legs, we just ran. We ran till Dr. Dhingra’s clinic was out of sight.

Back to my room I slept like never before. In fact the effects of the rendezvous with Dr. Dhingra didn’t wear off till late evening and it took me 4-5 hours of absolute nothingness to recuperate. Shuvi simply dug his head into books and went into a self imposed exile till all the traces of the bug bite were gone though I am sure that the traces of Dr. Dhingra's atrocities would have taken a long time to vanish.

I had a couple of more visits to Dr.Dhingra over the next one year but I ensured that I never took the bait from him for yet another argument. As for the exercise, I gave it up.

Regards,

The Blah Man

An Experience

I did a two month internship in Mumbai in the summer of 2006. The place is full of challenges and made me realise that there is so much to learn in life. Some really funny things happened to me on the day I first set out for my training . There were two more friends with me. I scribbled my memories for the day in a mail and sent it over to friends for some fun filled reading. I think it deserves some space on my blog too...

I woke up at 6 in the morning.. perfect start of the day as planned a day before.. I am putting up at Chembur and had seen and studied my route to Worli ( my workplace) a day before. Sharp at 7 I left my place.. I was already feeling proud of how organized I had become in just 2 days in Mumbai. Took an Auto to chembur station, this was done deliberately though I had to catch my train from Kurla. The reason being that I had l learnt the other day that the ticket queues are long @ Kurla. After taking a first class ticket( I also learned that if one wants to go standing all the way, he should take a first class ticket.. in case you want to see yourself hanging out, the normal ticket would do) from Chembur, I carried on to Kurla in the Auto.. the long queue at the ticket counter there made me feel proud of my clairvoyance.

Like an innocent lamb ready to be slaughtered , having little idea of what lay ahead, I moved ahead.. just as I reached the platform, I realised that my train had arrived and was ready to move.. so I took a sprint... the first class had moved to the end of the platform so it was quite a chase.. as I stepped in, the train moved.. and I felt glad that I had won another battle.... however I felt a little uncomfortable by the way a girl sitting right in front was staring at me.. I thought maybe thats how girls in Mumbai are ( PLZ no offence intended to people from Mumbai\) and then there was another Aunty starring at me.. all this unnerved me a bit.. dressed in new crisp formal wear.. had I suddenly started looking that good? I was wondering ... and then I saw IT.. my jaw fell open and my face flushed.... there werent just two faces... there were many.. DAMN! In the hurry to get onto the train, I didnt realise what I had got into..

It was the LADIES' coach! for a moment I felt like jumping out... but then I had read of the countless deaths in Mumbai due to local train accidents.. I definetely had no intentions to form a news in the papers of the next day...so I stayed.. turning my face away and looking out all the time... the train had a small halt at a station and I changed my coach. Out of the train at Dadar, I felt releived .. I had just made it through a very hard time and I felt glad.

I took a Taxi from Dadar to Worli and reached a good one hour before time... I was feeling glad that I was so punctual. The reporting was @ 8:45.. Vineet and Rahul joined me by 8:40 and together we moved in like warriors who had come to conquer. Inside, we were asked to sit and wait..and wait we did... for 1 hour before we felt something was wrong.. I had kept on cursing the lack of proffessionalism on the part of the company all this while waiting for the HR Manager to arrive.. and now I was doubtful... why is it that its only the three of us who are there.. are we special enough to have a seperate induction amongst the 40 odd trainees?? We soon got the answer.. the Hr Manager arrived and was surprised to see us!" what are you guys doing here??" I thought-Ma'am.. we are here for the summer training remember?? She told us that the joining date had been postponed to 5th! and this was communicated to the place com!! . I felt a bit Hysterical.. but held on... she gave us our project breifs and asked us to be back on 5th with other trainees .. a peon had come in to ask for coffee.. we had even nodded our heads.. but seemed like he forgot and Ma'am bye byed us.

Outside the office, we decided to do some house hunting.. somebody told us of a place closeby where accomodation was available " baaju mein hai bhau... seedhe jaane ka!" he had said. So we walked... and we walked..3 Goddamn KMS!!! The guy at the location had just the right words to say to us.. " Kisne bola aapko? apan ke paas aisa koi accomodation nahi hai na!" hehe .. we couldnt beleive it .. screwed up again. We decided to chill out.. had seen enough action since morning.. it was time to unwind.. we moved ( in a bus) to crossroads ( one of the oldest malls in Mumbai) near Haaji Ali. After getting down , we decided to have something to drink... not in the mall... we werent stupid to spend 60 bucks each on something to drink while on our STs.. this was the time to learn.. time to save.. time to manage. We saw the answers to our problem.. there .. right in front of us a shop read" HAJI ALI JUICE CENTER" bingo! We went in and asked for 2 mango and 1 strawberry juice... and I tell you they were good!

Vineet, Rahul and I felt proud of our wise decision and praised the juice while we relished it and quenched our thirsts. " to bhau kitna hua?" ,I asked. I guess it was one of those days when it is predecided that anything and everything around you existed just to screw you. The man said " 210" hehe... we had had enough I went crazy laughing.. I couldnt beleive it... 70 Rs a glass...I swallowed my tears which had followed the laughter and paid.

We went to the mall.. all three of us shaken.. sat in Mc Donald's .. didnt have anything.. we had to save money.. came out went to the road side pao bhaji waala... ordered 3 sandwiches.. suddenly I remembered the lesson learnt not so long ago at the juice shop.. I asked " bhau yeh sandwich kitne ka hai?" " 35 Rs" , he said.. STOP!!! (I almost screamed). We later went to Mc Donald's and had burgers worth 40 Rs.. I was feeling good about myself.. had proven to be a quick learner. The last blow of the day came on our way back... Rahul had left and Vineet and I had to go in the same direction so we were waiting for a bus.. It took only 5 rs so it was quite cheap mode of transport.

A bus came by.. and we asked the conductor.."Worli?" He asked us to climb in and we were happy that we had made it before the mumbaikars as they sat at the bus stop.. probably crying over the lost opportunity that two guys from delhi had grabbed.. or so I thought. It turned out that the bus was an AC coach and we had two shell out 7 times the amount for a small ride to Worli . From Worli we took a NORMAL bus and came back.. exhausted, drained and flagellated. I slept like a dog last night.. Mumbai is going to teach me a lot of stuff.. at least now i know that road side juice waalas aint that cheap.

I guess life is all about making memories, I would love to make many more even if that means making a thousand mistakes worth laughing at in the end.....! Damn! Did I just sound sensible?

Regards,

The Blah Man

The Three Kinds of Learners

Life is a learning experience; it teaches us of its vagaries in numerous ways and prepares us to face ups and downs as they come. There are essentially 3 types of learners*:

1.The Fishukawas: These are the front row students of the course; they are smart, seldom make mistakes and are quick learners. They believe in the adage: Prevention is better than cure and hence always ensure quality control. (Source: Total Quality Management )

2.The Bishukawas: As the name suggests (I don't know how though) these are the back benchers. They don't care about anything; they are there to have fun and give the life and its lessons all the shit they are worth. They make all the mistakes but refuse to learn. They take everything in their stride.

3.The Mishukawas: Clearly, the middle benchers. Thoroughly confused, life is like a quandary for them. They get hit all the time but never get to know how. Their most frequent question is usually "Why did this have to happen to me?" They try with all their might but never get anywhere and for some strange reason others find their confused demeanor funny and at times cute and their friends are Prof Murphy and his ghost.

*The names have been deliberately chosen from the Japanese language to make it easy for readers to remember and relate to.

This masterpiece of writing here is dedicated to the third kind of learners, The Mishukawas(I will address them with the abbreviation XXX although I understand that it is difficult for the reader to understand how I arrived at that. However, the reader is ensured that a lot of mathematical calculations have gone into that). To understand XXXs, it is imperative that we are acquainted with Prof.Murphy and his law. Murphy's law states that "Things will go wrong if they have to and in a way so as to do maximum damage". XXXs have a strange affinity to this law and its consequences and in this little piece of work here, I will narrate an incident which will make my point clear.

To start with, I must inform you that I myself belong to the XXX category and this is my little story.

I have had this knack missing out on at least one question or a part of it in every other exam I take. It has been happening very frequently with me of late. It has often happened that I miscalculated time or misread it and ended up missing a question or two. It left me dejected and I felt like a loser but I guess when you have had enough of adversities, even Gods are shaken up and they themselves resolve to help you out. I had no idea that Gods had woken up for me today. It started like any other exam day, only that I had this firm determination in my heart to take the question paper by its horns and pin it down in time, and I could feel a strange 'force' hell bent upon helping me out. I wore a winner's smile as I entered the exam room. I wanted to shout –"Get aside morons, the star has arrived!"

The exam paper was a bit lengthy, but I was prepared for the bouncers. I was ready today….! I started writing at a pace which would have turned Mr Schumacker and his companions pink (Let's assume the color of jealousy is pink). Excellence in time management was on my mind, and 'the force' was also there to help. I knew I couldn't go wrong. I cut down long answers short, I wrote in bullets, I used acronyms and abbreviations (as profound as XXX), drew figures without scale and rarely bothered to correct grammatical errors. This was a race and I had to win, people who would care to decorate would find themselves out of it. “Morons!”, I thought again and smiled as I answered each question.

I knew that I wasn't answering well in terms of the content, but then nobody who had to complete the exam in the given time could and so I rode on. However, I did have my anxious moments. Just as I saw my watch show that only two minutes remained, I realized that I had missed out on one question. I could see the walls of my fort crumbling…. I couldn't have given it up then. I looked up to the heavens and asked for some extra 'force' and got back to work. It amazed me to see my pen move with such finesse. I was a master warrior and my pen was my sword (at this moment I formulated an adage –"A pen is mightier than a sword" and I have a feeling that it will get famous someday). So, as the clock ticked towards the end of the allotted time, I started getting up from my seat almost pretending that I was about to submit my answer sheet. I was scribbling rapidly on the sheet to complete my answer before the answer sheet could be taken away by the invigilator. For those who have been in similar situations would agree that it's a weird position you get into under such circumstances. You get 'half' up from your seat and pretend to be ready to hand over the sheet and yet continue to write in a desperate attempt to finish. I was in that situation.

However, my hand ached but I just wrote those final words. Words which read victory for me... I got up (completely this time) and handed over the sheet to the invigilator and dashed out of the room to proclaim my victory. In the corridor though, there was not a Kaswahaza (that's an animal from my nightmares and I have a feeling it's Japanese too) to greet me. And then I remembered the last bit of Murphy's law, the elusive bit... it said-" Nothing in the world is right, so if everything seems right, there is something wrong" it echoed to me from the heavens and I almost turned brown( lets assume it's the color of fear and shock), peeped back into the class and asked a classmate why nobody else was moving out and his words shattered me; he spoke in crisp Spanish ( I understand Spanish well)- "Paper 2 ghante ka hai bhai!" There was lightening and then it rained. Only over me though. Heavens were crying; I had done the impossible only that it wasn't required!

But then I walked out feeling self actualized. I had seen another one of life's vagaries and was a stronger and more learned man though a bit more confused.

I met a few friends and told them my sad story; they sympathized by laughing only for 15 minutes over it and promising to tell my story to only a few more people.

So that's how XXXs are. There is more to them though and as a responsible member of this category, I shall write more on them later.

Regards,

The Blah Man

PS: I got to know of this person who managed to give a new angle to the famous BCG matrix by replacing the category-"Dogs" with "Donkeys". I don't know which category he would belong to, but I guess he feels like a brother to me!

The Attack of Common Cold & Some Medicine Mantras

Never thought I'd write this .. medicine? From an engineer?? Well this one is not so much about my mantra on medicine but it has more to do with the failure of some trusted and validated mantras in my case.
There is one disease which has always scared the s**t out of me it's not cancer, its not any tumor its not even AIDS.. it's called Common Cold(CC). As far as I can remember through the convoluted lanes of my memory, I have always dreaded it and today it's no different. It's 6:30 in the morning and I am still awake. Stayed up all night not for work or party but for this wretched cold! This time around though, I was determined to get rid of it . So I tried.

The first mantra: Hot Tea. They say it works miraculously . Let me tell you here that I have had tea just once before in my life and I had puked then.However, with grit, determination and the fear of CC , I set out to have tea.With over flowing enthusiasm, I asked for not one but two cups of tea. I swear it tastes horrible and I thought of spitting out the first sip but I could see the viruses of CC waiting to dig their fangs in my skin. So I mustered all my courage and gulped it all down.
I waited but nothing happened, the cold was only getting worse, the nose started running and so did I .. CC was going to attack full force.

The second mantra: Vicks! I remember how mom used to apply vicks on my nose and chest and often provided me relief. My nose was now choking up so I made the SOS call for Vicks to a close friend who had been subjected to extreme persecution from me (which accompanies every time CC approaches, perhaps for self defence, but trust me the CC virus is deadly and fears no mortal, so my behavior didnt quite bother it) and I must thank my poor friend here for bearing it. So I applied the Vicks, almost everywhere that I could ( and trust me I am regretting that now), the CC did balk a bit but came back with a war cry to hit me harder; my nose completely blocked and head heavy. Another mantra down the drain.

The third mantra: Peppermint oil. It's said to be an instant reliever - the saviour of tortured souls, the one with the reputation of slaying the CC viruses like a lawn mower wipes off the grass.So my friend said- "Try this , it never fails- my mom recommends it" So from my mom's recommendation I moved to her mom's recommendation, I had already made plans that if it worked, I would boast about it to my mom and get a chance to put forth a recommendation which was better than hers. Peppermint oil is supposed to be put on one's pillow so that one can keep inhaling the aroma and poison the CC viruses. I applied it to the pillow, to my nose, to my shirt, trousers but refrained from going any further as I had learnt it the hard way in the Vicks experience, and waited for the result. Nothing.. absolutely zilch! I started believing that moms no longer had foolproof mantras.

The fourth mantra: Inhalus Ultimatus. Thats what I call it, my dad's mantra, I had forgotten about it but my friend reminded me of it. It involves heating water and adding Vicks to it and then covering the head with a towel and inhaling the vapors. So I played against CC for one last time.Kept myself under the towel for eternity, lost all the blackheads on my face but the gallant CC refused to budge.In a nutshell - FLOP.

The Final mantra: This one is original, the last resort, I discovered it today.When nothing works, flee the battlefield. So I gave up , bowed to the mighty CC and decided not to try to sleep.Instead I stayed up the night to write down my experience. Surprisingly, CC has slowed down its attack. I guess, if you respect the more powerful, you are likely to get some mercy. I got it,at least enough to let me breathe!
So my mantra for those who dread CC just as badly as I do-Surrender.

Regards,
The Blah Man

P.S: Another friend recommended his mantra: stand upside down on your head, the mucus in your nose runs out of the ears to beat CC.I dont know if I can give this one a try, but it's a mantra nevertheless.

Blah #1

This is to introduce yet another one of those millions of blogs in the cyberspace. If I were to sound sensible I would have probably introduced my Blog as following:

"I want my life to be a collection of memories which I can cherish for as long as I live. And I have a knack for making happy memories, so no matter how bad the situation is, there is always something to laugh at when we look back at it. On my blog here, this is what I intend to do by bringing out the lighter side of my life. "

However, sounding sensible is definitely not the idea here . So I wouldn't make any tall claims and I promise to all who end up stumbling upon my blog by mere coincidence and sheer bad luck , that this space would never talk anything meaningful or sensible. However if it does sound meaningful please be sure that I had no intention of writing such a post. It just happened and I'd take no responsibility for it.

All my regards,
The Blah Man