Monty is Back!

I have been under tremendous pressure for some time now. The reason is that I haven’t updated this space for 2 months now and hence it becomes imperative that I have a celebrated comeback.
My wait for a seriously ridiculous thing to happen to me was brought to an end when a friend and I decided to watch Hemesh Reshammiya’s Karzzzzzzz last Sunday.
This post is dedicated to HR and his ability to make a star* of himself in whatever he does.

* A wise person once said – “A word may not spell what it is supposed to mean”

The movie has some brilliant display of HR’s acting and singing abilities. While he relentlessly continues to croon is songs which are bound to make you NOSEtalgic, his acting abilities surely appear to have been honed since his debut.

A few things that’ll make every HR fan proud:
HR’s open arms: Our Himesh Bhai’s favorite pose. Once in every song, he stretches out his hands, closes his eyes, puts on a constipated look on his face and stands in the middle of a crowd of people to render a unique sound which one would first believe to be a mating call. It has been discovered that this sound has multiple frequency levels and can even be heard by dolphins several thousand miles across. Recently a group of marine scientists in Australia were befuddled when they found dolphins change their behavior dramatically between 12 pm and 12 am everyday. The dolphins were also seen exhibiting a strong affinity to capped men in boats. They virtually jumped out of the sea to reach out to these men and made desperate attempts to pinch their caps. Scientists believe that this behavior can only be attributed to a unique high frequency sound which evokes the dolphins to indulge in this kind of behavior. Whether the sound pleases them or irritates them is yet to be discovered.
HR makes women fall for him at the drop of his cap: Literally. While his earlier movie had shots where the crowd went crazy for him, his second movie shows us what HR can do if he takes his cap off. In the first song of the movie you can see several firang and desi babes fainting as HR strikes his deadly open arms pose. You can also see the ushers and security guards waiting for them to drop so that they can carry them away. All those women who had doubts on Himesh’s CAPabilities, please take note.
HR can play the electric guitar with no strings attached: Our HR needs no cords and knows no chords. He plays the electric guitar effortlessly without any electricity cords attached and to add to it his abilities are so extreme that he doesn’t need to move through the frets of his guitar. He just has to hold it and it plays whatever he wants it to play. At times I feel that he can even produce the guitar sound from his mouth. Especially because he NOSE that he doesn’t need his mouth to sing.
HR has his own favorites: I found this out after watching Karzzzzz. In a particular scene Urmila Matondkar (clearly jealous of HR’s hair ) asks him after smelling his perfume – “Casablanca?” and our Himesh puts on the most somber look on his face , looks into her eyes, flares up his nostrils and says without a smile, “Yes. It is my favorite” I could give him an Oscar just for the way he delivered that line on screen. I am sure a lot of women in the theatres ( if there were any) would have bitten their lips on that one!

A final piece of advice for all those planning to watch the movie: Please take it with a pinch of salt. The movie is actually a spoof of the original Karz, only that the producer has forgotten to mention it. Please do not blame Himesh Reshammiya , IT IS MEANT TO BE THAT WAY!!!
Also, please do not leave any comments bad mouthing HR. I shall not tolerate any such behavior **
Sincerely,
The Blah Man

** I am kidding please go ahead :)

Attention Marketers!

I was in Kanpur recently for some work (Yes, I also work). A colleague took me to a famous sweet seller and while everybody enjoyed their sweets, I was lost -appreciating the brilliant bit of marketing a low profile Halwai had put into his business.

I took a picture and decided that it would contribute to the first sane entry on my blog

The Tag line says “Aisa Koi Saga Nahi, Jisko Hamne Thaga Nahi!”

Mr. Thaggu planned to diversify. Keeping in mind that his core competence lay in sweets, he introduced a new but related product - Kulfi and aptly named it as Badnaam Kulfi; keeping the notorious brand positioning in mind all the while!

For those who didn’t know, Thaggu ke Laddoo are famous not only in Kanpur but across the country. Also featured in several Hindi movies, these Laddoos enjoy quite a fan following.

Sincerely,
The Blah Man

P.S: I took me an entire day to decide if I wanted to write anything sensible on this blog and a sleepless night wondering if I did the right thing by putting it up.

Adapting to Chennai-Land

In an attempt to completely paint myself in the colors of Chennai, I have been doing a lot of frivolous things of late. A list of five such things I did during the last week follows:

1. I spat on at least 18 people while talking to them. This averages out to about 2.6 people every day which I think is good progress considering I spat at only 7 people during the week before – This translates into a growth of 160%!

2. I haggled with Auto walas for absolutely frivolous reasons. For example, I asked the Auto walas to charge one rupee less in fare when the prices of milk went up by one rupee citing an increase in my expenses without a commensurate increase in my salary as the reason

3. I moved around with a bovine expression on face. I have a feeling that this conceals the intellectual look I have and makes me look as one of them

4. I resolved to wear a lungi to bed..Soon!

5. I watched a Tamil blockbuster


Of the five things listed above, the most painful experience was sitting through the 3 ½ hour long Tamil blockbuster. The movie has Tamil super star Kamala Hassan playing 10 roles and has turned me into a Kamala Hassan devotee (I am planning to construct a chain of Kamala Temples across the country). For the benefit of the readers let me mention the best thing about the movie. One of Mr. Hassan’s avatars is a Sardar who is a famous pop singer. The brilliance of the script lies in the attention paid to detail with our Sardar pop icon singing Tamil songs. To add to this, the script also offers a sneak preview of cutting edge technology in the field of medical science when after being diagnosed with terminal throat cancer, our star singer recovers completely when he is shot in the throat by a bullet. The logic of course is that as the bullet travelled through his throat , it took the cancer along. Extremely believable.

I have now decided to watch a Tamil movie every month. This would help me maintain a level of insanity and keep my readers happy with more of my trade mark badinage on offer.

For those wondering why I decided to watch the movie in the first place, the reason is free popcorn and Coke that was offered to all the employees of my organization for sitting through the movie.

Sincerely,

The Blah Man

Back to Chennai

The Bombay tales are over and I am back in Chennai. Just as I was beginning to feel that I've seen it all, I came across this unique sight in one of the most frequented washrooms in the whole of Chennai.

The washroom in discussion exists in the oldest and largest shopping mall of Chennai - Spencer Plaza. The place is always full of people and quite a place to hangout if you want to check out the local crowd.

Believe it or not, but as you enter the Gents washroom, the wall opposite to the entrance greets you with the sign - "LEG WASH"

My reaction - "!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Unbelievable stuff! I clicked a picture even as every other person performing his usual act in the loo was scandalized and tried covering whatever they felt was at the risk of exposure.

Please excuse the quality of the picture as I couldn't get the focus right to avoid a yet another story titled -" Man beaten up for taking pictures in the loo"

And before anybody accuses me of getting Chennai and it's people a bad name, I would like to wash my legs of this affair.

Sincerely ,
The Blah Man

Clarifications

While I am seldom abashed of my association with Nincompoops, I shall not tolerate incomplete information which might mislead my fellow Nincompoops, Dodos and Super Heroes. It is for this reason that I am putting forth this clarification which throws some light on the events that took place on that fateful night of June at the Mahalaxmi station in Mumbai:

Clarification #1: There was a reason why the man on the station missed the train. While he ran alongside the speeding train-throwing his belongings inside- just as he was about to take the leap into the train, he realized that his belt-less pants were sliding down his posterior. Being a man of noble upbringing he only deemed it fit to give up his pursuit of the train lest he might put to shame all spectators – men and women alike. I would advise correspondents like Mr. Anshul Ajit to put themselves in others’ pants before they write such articles.

Clarification #2: The man on the platform wasn’t the only one to be blamed for the goof-up. Let me throw some light on the other two characters – The man’s friends in the train- who added very essential ingredients to make the incident a memorable one. While the poor guy ran alongside the train, his friends took up the frivolous task of running from their seats to collect the bounty. It was truly a sight to watch as two people sprung in action to grab a wallet and a bottle of water– as if fate had put before them an opportunity to lay their hands on random riches flying into the railway compartment they had occupied. I feel the efforts of the man on the station would not have gone to waste had his friends decided to pull him up instead of getting busy with the collection of the loot.

Clarification #3: While the incident did evoke hysterical laughter amongst the people in the train, there was no such happening on the platform. As the man turned back after giving up his pursuit for the train he was not greeted by hysterical laughter but by astonished and amused faces of the few people present at the platform. Though the man feels that there were people laughing quietly as he turned away there is no evidence of a mass mockery. I have a feeling that most people were rather overwhelmed by the breathtaking escapades of the man on the station

Clarification #4: This is more of a plea than a clarification. I would request the correspondent to change the title line and rephrase it so as to reflect the valor of the man on the station. A title like - “Super man spotted at Mahalaxmi” would have been apt. In case the correspondent finds himself short of ideas, I would be keen to contribute.


Sincerely,

The Blah Man

Nincompoop Spotted!

I discussed about Nincompoops in my last post. Here is a bystander's account of an incident which depicts a Nincompoop at his best:

Man on Railway platform provides comic relief to commuters

Mumbai, Sometime in June: Commuters on the Mahalaxmi station were witness to a very curious incidence recently…… at approx. 12 midnight a local train stopped at the station and out came a man to buy a bottle of water from a vendor….. as he was about to purchase the bottle …. The train chugged ……. Supremely confident of what he was doing the man quickly grabbed the bottle and started running for the train…. But alas muscle power is no match for a diesel behemoth…. Soon the train got fast to get the man thinking of new and “bright” ideas…. He threw the bottle inside the compartment…. The bottle landed with a thud and startled the otherwise sleepy crowd…. Also it grabbed their attention as until now they were not aware of the ongoings…… the man now was confident that he just has to climb in…. but he had a wallet in the other hand and he wanted both hands to be free to go for the plunge……so what does he do….. u guessed it…… he threw the wallet also into the compartment……what next u might ask….. well he missed the train…… had no money and guess what he was still thirsty…… but this chain of events had evoked hysterical laughter amongst other people on the platform and also inside the train…. To his misfortune both his friends who happened to be on the train had run out of battery on their cell phones…… luckily some kind soul gave them a phone to call Mr. Einstein and all were reunited an hour later…….

The man is known to have fled to Chennai ever since…….. no one knows who he was……

Correspondent: Anshul Ajit

Incidently, I was in Mumbai sometime in June and all this gives me a feeling of a déjà vu . I leave it to the readers to decipher the rest.

Sincerely,

The Blah Man

The Genesis

Everybody has a right to look dumb sometime in their lives. While some may have a higher propensity to make a fool of themselves at every opporuntity presented to them, others exhibit this ability in spurts.

As always , I will exhibit my systematic thinking and analytical bent of mind by categorizing the human species into three broad sub categories

1. Dodos: These are people who have transgressed all boundaries of intelligence and have permanently taken abode in the land of the dumb. Born to be extinct, Dodos can seldom attribute their asinine behavior to an external factor and almost always find themselves to be the chief perpetrator of the dumbest act that has happened in their vicinity. Dodos are an onlooker’s delight and a nightmare for any person even remotely associated with them.

Percentage share in human population: 30%

2. Nincompoops: This category has people who are usually mistaken to be normal human beings but when struck by a fit of Nincompoopia , they exhibit a fatuous behavior of the highest order to put even the Dodos to shame. For the uninitiated, Nincompoopia is a common disease and often strikes when there is a possibility of maximum damage which translates into a situation where a maximum number of onlookers can get to watch a fool in action. The disease is highly contagious and one can expect an average of 6 in every 10 people to be infected.

Nincompoops carry themselves with great dignity and seriousness and usually blame an act of stupidity to sheer bad luck and Mr. Murphy.

Percentage share in human population: 60%

3. Super Heroes: This is the most exciting of all categories . Super heroes have special powers which make them superbeings but for some strange reason they prefer to wear their underwear over their pants.

Percentage share in human population: 10%

While I am it, let me make a confession that I fall into the category of Nincompoops.

I grew up like any normal child without showing any symptoms of being a Nincompoop during my pre -teen years. I would do well in school and at sports but somehow never enjoyed quizzing and mind stimulating games. This was probably a sign of things to come. As I moved into my teens, I started exhibiting traits of what I was going to be for the rest of my life.

I still remember the first time I felt I was one of them. It started like a usual school day; the morning assembly, the Lord’s Prayer and a small lecture on discipline by our principal. Once back into our classes we were checked for our conformance to the school uniform.

The law of the school was that any student caught for nonconformance would be taken to the school playground where they would be put to picking up stones and preparing the field for the evening football match. It sounded barbaric but it was quite a fun for the ‘punished’ students. No student ever worked in the field and everybody enjoyed the winter sun as they chatted and rejoiced over the legitimate status to their playing a truant .Often they would split into teams and have a small football match as well. In short, punishment for non conformance in school uniform was everybody’s dream.

In my case, it was no longer a dream. It was an aspiration.

As the prefects walked into the classroom to pick out the lucky ones, I suddenly had an urge to achieve my aspirations on that very day. I checked my uniform – it was prim and proper. I cursed myself for getting it right again which was largely because my mom would never falter. However, since I had made up my mind, I started exploring other options. Whoever said that “A friend in need is a friend indeed” had probably been through a similar situation before because just as I was about to give up all hope I saw my best friend from school. He grinned as he showed his Red socks to me. He had definitely done his homework well by ensuring that he had all the chance of getting caught and in style.

My first reaction was that of envy for I knew that he would soon have the prerogative of the punishment while I would sit through a boring lesson of History. And then, almost out of nowhere, my devilish mind produced an idea. At this moment, I am reminded of a famous Hindi proverb which says - Jab kutte ki maut aati hai to woh shahar ki taraf bhagta hai (When a dog is about to meet his end, he runs towards the city). No points for guessing that I was going to play the proverbial dog here.

The idea was simple and followed the basic management principle of working within ones resources-


The Situation: Two friends seeking the opportunity of bunking a lecture
The Resource: A pair of red socks
The Solution: Share the pair!

So, we did it. I put on one of his socks and he put on one of mine. In effect, my friend had a black sock in one and a red one in the other foot and so did I.

As expected, we were caught and asked to line up in front of the class. I walked out with my chest puffed up with pride and chuckled to myself for having pulled it off so neatly. As we pranced across the corridors, I could see other students peeping out of their classrooms to catch a glimpse of the lucky **** of the day. I wanted to scream out - Sorry guys, it just isn’t your day.. better luck next time!!

The parade of the nonconformists marched across the length of the school and just when I was getting ready to turn left towards the football field, I saw the entire queue turning to the right.

It is important for me to explain the significance of this right turn at this point. The right turn led straight to the only operational room in southern part of the school building. The room belonged to the most loathed creature in the school – The physical training instructor – Mr. L. I asked a few others about the possible reason behind our changed course of path but they were as clueless. For the first time in my life, I felt like a bolt getting ready to be screwed.

As it turned out, Mr. L had decided to change the nature of the punishment. It was no more about cleaning up the field and picking stones. The new punishment was 5 canes each on the butt.

The only person who seemed delighted by the change in punishment was my friend. He started laughing hysterically while pointing at me and I surely knew why.

I was at the end of the 7 member line and hence the last one to get my share of five. I heard about 25 screams of Ahs and Ouchs before I heard five ‘Haiys’ sandwiched between sputters of laughter from the 6th person who of course, was my friend. And then it was my turn.

For the rest of the day I walked in an awkward manner and refused to sit on a chair in the classroom. Back at home in the afternoon, I sulked till evening before my fatigue drowned me into a deep dog-like sleep.

So that’s how it all started. What followed was a string of preposterous incidents that was to last a lifetime. I have already scripted a few here and promise to script many more as and when they happen and I get over with my initial bouts of humiliation to eventually laugh at them with others.

Sincerely,

The Blah Man