Back to Chennai

The Bombay tales are over and I am back in Chennai. Just as I was beginning to feel that I've seen it all, I came across this unique sight in one of the most frequented washrooms in the whole of Chennai.

The washroom in discussion exists in the oldest and largest shopping mall of Chennai - Spencer Plaza. The place is always full of people and quite a place to hangout if you want to check out the local crowd.

Believe it or not, but as you enter the Gents washroom, the wall opposite to the entrance greets you with the sign - "LEG WASH"

My reaction - "!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Unbelievable stuff! I clicked a picture even as every other person performing his usual act in the loo was scandalized and tried covering whatever they felt was at the risk of exposure.

Please excuse the quality of the picture as I couldn't get the focus right to avoid a yet another story titled -" Man beaten up for taking pictures in the loo"

And before anybody accuses me of getting Chennai and it's people a bad name, I would like to wash my legs of this affair.

Sincerely ,
The Blah Man

Clarifications

While I am seldom abashed of my association with Nincompoops, I shall not tolerate incomplete information which might mislead my fellow Nincompoops, Dodos and Super Heroes. It is for this reason that I am putting forth this clarification which throws some light on the events that took place on that fateful night of June at the Mahalaxmi station in Mumbai:

Clarification #1: There was a reason why the man on the station missed the train. While he ran alongside the speeding train-throwing his belongings inside- just as he was about to take the leap into the train, he realized that his belt-less pants were sliding down his posterior. Being a man of noble upbringing he only deemed it fit to give up his pursuit of the train lest he might put to shame all spectators – men and women alike. I would advise correspondents like Mr. Anshul Ajit to put themselves in others’ pants before they write such articles.

Clarification #2: The man on the platform wasn’t the only one to be blamed for the goof-up. Let me throw some light on the other two characters – The man’s friends in the train- who added very essential ingredients to make the incident a memorable one. While the poor guy ran alongside the train, his friends took up the frivolous task of running from their seats to collect the bounty. It was truly a sight to watch as two people sprung in action to grab a wallet and a bottle of water– as if fate had put before them an opportunity to lay their hands on random riches flying into the railway compartment they had occupied. I feel the efforts of the man on the station would not have gone to waste had his friends decided to pull him up instead of getting busy with the collection of the loot.

Clarification #3: While the incident did evoke hysterical laughter amongst the people in the train, there was no such happening on the platform. As the man turned back after giving up his pursuit for the train he was not greeted by hysterical laughter but by astonished and amused faces of the few people present at the platform. Though the man feels that there were people laughing quietly as he turned away there is no evidence of a mass mockery. I have a feeling that most people were rather overwhelmed by the breathtaking escapades of the man on the station

Clarification #4: This is more of a plea than a clarification. I would request the correspondent to change the title line and rephrase it so as to reflect the valor of the man on the station. A title like - “Super man spotted at Mahalaxmi” would have been apt. In case the correspondent finds himself short of ideas, I would be keen to contribute.


Sincerely,

The Blah Man

Nincompoop Spotted!

I discussed about Nincompoops in my last post. Here is a bystander's account of an incident which depicts a Nincompoop at his best:

Man on Railway platform provides comic relief to commuters

Mumbai, Sometime in June: Commuters on the Mahalaxmi station were witness to a very curious incidence recently…… at approx. 12 midnight a local train stopped at the station and out came a man to buy a bottle of water from a vendor….. as he was about to purchase the bottle …. The train chugged ……. Supremely confident of what he was doing the man quickly grabbed the bottle and started running for the train…. But alas muscle power is no match for a diesel behemoth…. Soon the train got fast to get the man thinking of new and “bright” ideas…. He threw the bottle inside the compartment…. The bottle landed with a thud and startled the otherwise sleepy crowd…. Also it grabbed their attention as until now they were not aware of the ongoings…… the man now was confident that he just has to climb in…. but he had a wallet in the other hand and he wanted both hands to be free to go for the plunge……so what does he do….. u guessed it…… he threw the wallet also into the compartment……what next u might ask….. well he missed the train…… had no money and guess what he was still thirsty…… but this chain of events had evoked hysterical laughter amongst other people on the platform and also inside the train…. To his misfortune both his friends who happened to be on the train had run out of battery on their cell phones…… luckily some kind soul gave them a phone to call Mr. Einstein and all were reunited an hour later…….

The man is known to have fled to Chennai ever since…….. no one knows who he was……

Correspondent: Anshul Ajit

Incidently, I was in Mumbai sometime in June and all this gives me a feeling of a déjà vu . I leave it to the readers to decipher the rest.

Sincerely,

The Blah Man

The Genesis

Everybody has a right to look dumb sometime in their lives. While some may have a higher propensity to make a fool of themselves at every opporuntity presented to them, others exhibit this ability in spurts.

As always , I will exhibit my systematic thinking and analytical bent of mind by categorizing the human species into three broad sub categories

1. Dodos: These are people who have transgressed all boundaries of intelligence and have permanently taken abode in the land of the dumb. Born to be extinct, Dodos can seldom attribute their asinine behavior to an external factor and almost always find themselves to be the chief perpetrator of the dumbest act that has happened in their vicinity. Dodos are an onlooker’s delight and a nightmare for any person even remotely associated with them.

Percentage share in human population: 30%

2. Nincompoops: This category has people who are usually mistaken to be normal human beings but when struck by a fit of Nincompoopia , they exhibit a fatuous behavior of the highest order to put even the Dodos to shame. For the uninitiated, Nincompoopia is a common disease and often strikes when there is a possibility of maximum damage which translates into a situation where a maximum number of onlookers can get to watch a fool in action. The disease is highly contagious and one can expect an average of 6 in every 10 people to be infected.

Nincompoops carry themselves with great dignity and seriousness and usually blame an act of stupidity to sheer bad luck and Mr. Murphy.

Percentage share in human population: 60%

3. Super Heroes: This is the most exciting of all categories . Super heroes have special powers which make them superbeings but for some strange reason they prefer to wear their underwear over their pants.

Percentage share in human population: 10%

While I am it, let me make a confession that I fall into the category of Nincompoops.

I grew up like any normal child without showing any symptoms of being a Nincompoop during my pre -teen years. I would do well in school and at sports but somehow never enjoyed quizzing and mind stimulating games. This was probably a sign of things to come. As I moved into my teens, I started exhibiting traits of what I was going to be for the rest of my life.

I still remember the first time I felt I was one of them. It started like a usual school day; the morning assembly, the Lord’s Prayer and a small lecture on discipline by our principal. Once back into our classes we were checked for our conformance to the school uniform.

The law of the school was that any student caught for nonconformance would be taken to the school playground where they would be put to picking up stones and preparing the field for the evening football match. It sounded barbaric but it was quite a fun for the ‘punished’ students. No student ever worked in the field and everybody enjoyed the winter sun as they chatted and rejoiced over the legitimate status to their playing a truant .Often they would split into teams and have a small football match as well. In short, punishment for non conformance in school uniform was everybody’s dream.

In my case, it was no longer a dream. It was an aspiration.

As the prefects walked into the classroom to pick out the lucky ones, I suddenly had an urge to achieve my aspirations on that very day. I checked my uniform – it was prim and proper. I cursed myself for getting it right again which was largely because my mom would never falter. However, since I had made up my mind, I started exploring other options. Whoever said that “A friend in need is a friend indeed” had probably been through a similar situation before because just as I was about to give up all hope I saw my best friend from school. He grinned as he showed his Red socks to me. He had definitely done his homework well by ensuring that he had all the chance of getting caught and in style.

My first reaction was that of envy for I knew that he would soon have the prerogative of the punishment while I would sit through a boring lesson of History. And then, almost out of nowhere, my devilish mind produced an idea. At this moment, I am reminded of a famous Hindi proverb which says - Jab kutte ki maut aati hai to woh shahar ki taraf bhagta hai (When a dog is about to meet his end, he runs towards the city). No points for guessing that I was going to play the proverbial dog here.

The idea was simple and followed the basic management principle of working within ones resources-


The Situation: Two friends seeking the opportunity of bunking a lecture
The Resource: A pair of red socks
The Solution: Share the pair!

So, we did it. I put on one of his socks and he put on one of mine. In effect, my friend had a black sock in one and a red one in the other foot and so did I.

As expected, we were caught and asked to line up in front of the class. I walked out with my chest puffed up with pride and chuckled to myself for having pulled it off so neatly. As we pranced across the corridors, I could see other students peeping out of their classrooms to catch a glimpse of the lucky **** of the day. I wanted to scream out - Sorry guys, it just isn’t your day.. better luck next time!!

The parade of the nonconformists marched across the length of the school and just when I was getting ready to turn left towards the football field, I saw the entire queue turning to the right.

It is important for me to explain the significance of this right turn at this point. The right turn led straight to the only operational room in southern part of the school building. The room belonged to the most loathed creature in the school – The physical training instructor – Mr. L. I asked a few others about the possible reason behind our changed course of path but they were as clueless. For the first time in my life, I felt like a bolt getting ready to be screwed.

As it turned out, Mr. L had decided to change the nature of the punishment. It was no more about cleaning up the field and picking stones. The new punishment was 5 canes each on the butt.

The only person who seemed delighted by the change in punishment was my friend. He started laughing hysterically while pointing at me and I surely knew why.

I was at the end of the 7 member line and hence the last one to get my share of five. I heard about 25 screams of Ahs and Ouchs before I heard five ‘Haiys’ sandwiched between sputters of laughter from the 6th person who of course, was my friend. And then it was my turn.

For the rest of the day I walked in an awkward manner and refused to sit on a chair in the classroom. Back at home in the afternoon, I sulked till evening before my fatigue drowned me into a deep dog-like sleep.

So that’s how it all started. What followed was a string of preposterous incidents that was to last a lifetime. I have already scripted a few here and promise to script many more as and when they happen and I get over with my initial bouts of humiliation to eventually laugh at them with others.

Sincerely,

The Blah Man

The Spelling Techniques of Chennai - Part II

With my stay at Chennai hitting the 2 months' mark, I have found myself wiser, smarter and better prepared for the city and its people. The latest addition to my vast and ever-expanding ocean of knowledge is in the area of language (again).
In my last post on language I had written about the strong affinity that people fo Chennai have for the letter 'H'. I was convinced that 'H' was the king of letters untill I discovered that even 'H' hasn't been spared the persecution.

The Prosecution of H - Justice Delayed, Not Denied
Every word - common noun, proper noun adjectives, adverbs etc. that rightfully has an 'H' somewhere within it will have its 'H' pronounced as 'GH' .
E.g. Mahindra becomes MaGHindra, Ahmed become AGHmed etc.
This results in a sound which gives an impression that the person is launching a massive load of his ususal conversational spit. The interesting bit is that while 'H' was busy getting appended to every other letter, it did not see its neighbor closing on it from behind.
Retribution at last.

The BlaGH Man

P.S: I can imagine the other letters hailing justice and having the last laugh - GHa GHa GHa...

The Smart Ass Gets a Kick

Ass; Everybody has one. I have one too, only that I thought mine was a real smart one. Having stated that, I must also confess that my perception changed yesterday.

I am currently in the process of furnishing my new home. I woke up yesterday a bit early and after doing the usual morning business sat down with the to do list that I had meticulously prepared the day before. I have this habit of letting out a little chuckle as a token of appreciation for my systematic and efficient way of doing things and I knew my to do list here deserved at least half of it. So I let it out as I read through the list:

1. Move the luggage from the guest house to the new house
2. Receive the delivery of the new A/Cs
3. Get the A/Cs installed
4. Get a Mattress and a small Cupboard
5. Get a T.V, Refrigerator and a DTH connection
6. Celebrate the successful moving in with a nice dinner and enjoy

It all looked pretty simple. After all , I had planned everything. A light commercial vehicle had been booked the previous day to carry the luggage, the A/C guys had been provided with the address and the time for the delivery, the installation guys had also been kept in the loop and ofcourse, purchasing a mattress and the white goods was going to be a cakewalk.

The guys who were to come to pick up my luggage didn’t turn up on time. I was starting to get worried when my phone screamed out for my attention. I composed myself and took the call -

Me: Hullo?
The voice on the other end (TVOOE): A/C Delivery sir!
Me: Oh yeah.. Sure. Please deliver it at Flat#5, residential unit, opposite Konika, M.G Road, Shastri Nagar, Adyar. And could you tell me how long are you going to take? 'Cause you see, I am not there right now so it's going to take me about half an hour to reach. In case you reach before me , please wait outside and I'll be there to take the delivery. Is that O.K?

There was absolute silence on the other end so I Hulloed a few times to check if the line was still active.

TVOOE: Sir! #$!!!*&^++)(^^& A/C ^%##$!%%$!!!! Adyar #*^%$$%^ Delivery Sir!

All the special characters written above and all that are to follow denote TAMIL words

Me: No Tamil ! Tamil Illai! English speaking?
TVOEE: English sir!
Me: Yes English Yes!
TVOEE: #$!!!*&^++)(^^& A/C ^%##$!%%$!!!! Adyar #*^%$$%^ Delivery Sir!

It was the same code that I couldn’t decipher; I thought maybe he didn’t understand the address so I repeated the same to him.

Me: Shastri Nagar!
TVOEE: SHASTRHRI NAGARAA !!!
Me: Konika!
TVOEE: KHONIKHAAA !!!

I was beginning to see light at the end of the tunnel.

Me: Opposite!
TVOEE: OPPOSITE!!!
TVOEE: #$!!!*&^++) (^^& A/C ^%##$! %%$!!!! Adyar #*^%$$%^ Delivery Sir!

The same code! I knew this wasn’t going to work so I rushed out of the house.
As I ran outside, I looked for any person with a friendly expression on his countenance. After about 2 minutes of panic I saw him. He had big black eyes and pearl white teeth which were showing through his benevolent smile. He was surrounded by three ladies who seemed to be in an intense discussion with him; all of them at the same time which made them sound like Emenem, Usher and Puff Daddy all trying to rap together. Tall, very dark and handsome – The friendly neighborhood Sabziwala

Me: Hullo, English speaking?
T.F.N.Sabziwala: English Yes!

I sighed in relief.

Me: This man on phone, he not knowing English, I not knowing Tamil. Could you talk and help?

I crossed my fingers and my toes.

T.F.N.Sabziwala: Oh yes! Give phone.

What followed was a session of absolute gibberish to me. I tried guessing what was transpiring between the two from the expressions and tone of the Sabziwala. Finally I was told that the A/C delivery guy had reached there and was waiting for me.
I rushed back and asked a colleague who was to share the new house with me to get to the address to take the delivery while I’d wait for the luggage movers to drop in.

Later in the day, after the luggage had been moved and the A/Cs had been delivered, my colleague and I faced an even bigger challenge of handling the A/C installation guy who also just like his delivery counterpart had no idea about English. I gave up and let him do whatever he wanted. He knocked down the windows, cut the wood, and shoved the A/Cs into the walls. While he was at it, there were several instances when he asked us to choose between options. But his renditions were too complex for me to understand. I simply resorted to a simple O.K to his every query and hoped that the end result didn’t have the A/Cs cooling the other side of the walls.

It was late evening by the time the A/Cs were installed. I calculated that there was only enough time to get a cupboard so I went straight to a market which had a series of furniture shops.

I think the people here love to let their emotions flow over trifles. After trying about 3-4 shops when I couldn’t get a cupboard, I decided to ask for a Made to order cupboard. The small discussion that I had with one of the store owners is worth a mention.

Me: Can you make a cupboard on order?
Furniture Man (FM): Yes Yes!! We make on Orderr!
Me: O.K, so here are the dimensions…

I gave him the specifications which he jotted down with his tongue sticking out of the left of his mouth as if he was being strangled.

FM: O.K Sir! It Costing you 4,800 ruphees!
Me: Hmmm.. you see that is expensive , I am looking for a very basic one, can you make a cheap one?

I had never thought that asking a furniture guy to make a cheap cupboard could offend him. He looked at me with blood shot eyes and spat a litre of what I call the conversational spit as he replied.

FM: Cheap cupboard not PHossible ! QHuality not comPHromise!! 4800 BHest PHrice!! Cheap not GHetting anywhere in Chennai! Not PHossible!

I wiped my face, apologized and left.

Back at the guest house , I decided to call it a day and sat down to make the to do list for the next day. There was a small addition to the title though.
It read: To do (if possible.)

Regards,
The Blah Man

The Spelling Techniques of Chennai

I've recently moved to Chennai where I'd be taking up a new job. For the unitiated , Chennai is the southern most metropolitan of India. Everyone who gets to know of my current abode greets me with a "Tch tch.. I am so sorry for you" expression /tone.

I have no idea why they do so. In fact I dont even want to know.

One of the first things I noticed about this place is the way people spell here. Every proper noun with a "t" has to be spelt so as to make one throw the maximum spit out of one's mouth when pronounced- A deadly weapon to keep people from asking your name if you carry a "t" in yours.

E.g. Savita is spelled as S-A-V-I-T-H-A ,Gita is spelled as G-I-T-H-A and so on.

Although it is predominant in proper nouns, this technique of spelling/pronouncing is also efficiently utlized in other types of words or sentences. E.g. Common nouns : K-U-T-H-E! or B-A-T-H-A-M-E-E-Z (You get to call people names and also spit on them in disdain here)

At times, an extra "h" could also be added to an unsuspecting letter when there arent enough opportunities (i.e, "t"s) to spit while one says something. I could notice this only for hindi sentences since I am not familiar with Tamil.

E.g. "THumhara naam kHyaa hai" or for that matter - "THum THo thehre PHardesi, saath KHyaa nibhaoge"

All in all a brilliant idea to take people by surprise and moisturize their faces. As someone who practices this technique, you also stand a fair chance of being remembered as " The person who THOOK on the world"

My advice to all who enjoy this spitting act is "Spit thrills but Kills!" - Very original one would say.

Anyway, I am still in the process of dicovering the reason for this peculiar spelling technique in this part of the country. Any comments to enlighten me here are most welcome.

With warm and wet regards,

The Blah Man

P.S: Please ensure that your comments do not carry a lot of depth. I express my absolute inability in deciphering such comments