What's in a name?

My new job doesn’t allow me to write much. Ironically, it provides me with a lot of material to write on. I travel frequently and considering my affinity to bizarre incidents I often find my tours replete with myriad stories of absolute craziness. Here’s short list of the top stories so far:

1. The menu card of my hotel in Ranchi lists coffee under the section – “Stimulating drinks”. This became the hottest joke in my office for some time. So much so that it was difficult to walk across with a cup of coffee in your hand without inviting “I –know-what-you-are-up-to” smiles from colleagues

2. A lodge on the way to Hazaribagh is named “Café Arson”. I would add a tag line to it – “Walk in only if you have a burning desire”

3. I also came across a small tea stall called – “HIP –SIP”. The name brings indescribably disgusting images to my mind

But what happened today, takes the cake. I am travelling, hungry, dog-tired but I have to write this. So here goes:

After an early breakfast of scrambled eggs, toast and a cup of my favourite stimulating drink, I was waiting for my driver to take the car out of the parking when this man on a bike stopped by and asked – “ Yeh Chutia kidhar hai?” ( Where is this Chutia?)

For the uninitiated let me explain here that the word “Chutiya” is a slang in Hindi which means something synonymous to “stupid”, “foolish”, “idiot” and at times even “disgusting”. Honestly speaking, the word is quite unique and does not have a counterpart in English. It is one of the most widely used Hindi slangs across and I haven’t met a soul yet who hasn’t heard of it. However, no one has ever been able to define it accurately. At least not so far.

So when this guy threw this question at me, I was reasonably sure that I had heard him wrong. With my “sahib” type sophistication, I expressed my inability to decipher his question by raising my brows and moving my ear closer to him. He repeated – “Arey yeh chutia kidhar hai?” I was now sure that I had heard him right and considering this an assault on my decency, I quickly changed my “sorry-I-didn’t-get-you” expression to the best “WTF” expression I could twist my face into. However, Mr.Bike wasn’t moving on without an answer and stood there with a bovine expression on his face, looking at me intently.

My two years of MBA has trained me never to be without answers. A true marketer always has some bullshit to offer so I gave the most generic and yet fitting answer I could come up with. With a philosopher’s look and an expression akin to a man who was beyond the realms of the material world, I replied – “Kahin bhi ho sakta hai” (Could be anywhere). In one swift movement, his expressions changed and suddenly he was the personification of a question mark. I was preparing myself for the next round of assault when my driver appeared to mediate. He spoke to the guy, gave him some directions and got him going. The only logical though unbelievable conclusion I could draw was that there was a really famous fool in the city and everyone knew where to find him. My driver – Munda – was quick to understand my confusion and explained, “Sir yeh Ranchi ke area ka naam hai”. I couldn’t believe it. A place called Chutia??? I changed my plans for the next two hours and asked Munda to take me to there. Seeing is believing.

After a 30 minute drive we reached. A government building proudly displayed its address as “New market, Chutia”. As we moved through the area, I realized that the place had quite a metropolitan feel to it. The area was divided into “Upper Chutia”, “Lower Chutia” and even “New Chutia”.

An unmanned railway crossing read, “Caution: Chutia crossing ahead”. I thought it would be wonderful to have such a sign on display when absolute nuts crossed roads in Delhi. I asked Munda to turn the car around and take us back to office. As we moved out of the area, we passed by the police station with a big red and blue board that read – “Chutia police thana”. I chuckled at the thought of what one might expect to find inside the building; a Chutia police inspector perhaps.

Later in the day, when Munda dropped me at the railway station, I asked him to find out why the place was named so. He looked embarrassed but promised to find it out for me when I visited next. Till then, I am going to tell myself that I am really fortunate that my address doesn’t pass a judgment on my personality. Thank you Municipal Corporation, Noida.

Disclaimer: I prefer to abstain from slangs and expletives. However, the subject matter of the post leaves me with little option. So if this offends you, the blame is on whoever named the place.

I Have Moved

Hey! If you are of those very few who have found my banter worthwhile, you might want to know that I have shifted base here.
My new blog has almost all the good stuff from Banter and a lot more. I have been trying to figure out the reason for the move but haven't been able to come up with something that sounds intelligent so I am calling it a secret.

Love always,

The Blah Man

Unbelievable

Found this on Youtube. Hilarious :D

Music to everyone's ears!

I have been extremely fascinated by the myriad social media platforms that have come up. A whole lot of these are ofcourse quite avoidable but once in a while there is something that completely sweeps me off my feet. BLIP.fm is one such site.

Blip.fm answers the question - " What song do you want to play?" Simply put, It allows users to turn DJs and play their favorite songs. These songs appear on the user's profile as well as on a public timeline (similar to Twitter) So if you logged in to your Blip.fm account you would see a timeline of all the blips from people across the world; in effect giving you an access to the most diverse music collection you could have imagined!

But that's not all. Besides listening to the songs, you also get to enjoy the videos as Blip.fm has an integrated Youtube feature!

Here is a list of "what else" you can do-

1. Create your own playlist. Simply click on the "Home" tab and listen ( and watch) all the songs that you have Blipped. These songs (Blips) also appear on the public timeline so that others get to know the kind of music you are listening to and enjoy it too.
2. Search other DJs (users) with similar music tastes and listen to their playlists
3. Link your Blips to you blog. Every time you Blip, your blog gets updated! A treat to your readers :)
4. Publish your Blips directly on your Twitter timelines , Facebook updates or Friendfeed accounts
5. Dedicate songs to other users

The fact that Blip.fm is built on the Twitter platform makes it extremely simple and a delight to use.

There's much more, but it's more fun to find it out yourself :) I would say - TRY IT!

The Wah Man

Announcement

Just figured out that I have a saner side too ( Yay!). Now the problem is that the saner side wants to write sane stuff and it would be sacrilege to do anything like that here. So after much deliberation I have decided to allow my alter ego to publish here. Just so that any of the readers dont feel cheated, all the posts by my alterego would be signed - The Wah Man

Sincerely,

The Blah Man

Tips on celebrity handling

I consider myself very lucky when it comes to meeting celebrities. I have met them in shopping malls, gymnasiums, on the road, on the beach, in the middle of traffic, at restaurants and coffee shops, at airports, in airplanes even in the buses from the terminal to the aircraft. One might ask – “ So whats the big deal!” I say, it is a big deal. In a country where people are so obsessed with celebrities that they worship them, it is a big deal to run into celebrities every now and then. In fact the frequency at which I have bumped into them has made me feel like quite a celebrity magnet.

So that technically establishes me as the expert on celebrity encounters and hence I have decided to share a few tips on how to handle celebrity presence. If you think you are too suave to be reading anything like this, you can quickly save this post on your computer and read it in private when you are sure no body is watching you ( some places that assure you privacy are – the restrooms, your neighborhood library, the graveyard and your office’s conference room)

Here we go:

Tip 1: Never balk when you spot a celebrity. The trick is to continue to walk even after having spotted them and then strategically sit down to tie your shoe laces while you watch/admire/ogle them. In case your shoes do not have shoe laces or you aren’t really wearing shoes, you can still pretend to be tying your shoe laces because it’s the celebrity and not you who has all the eyeballs

Tip 2: If you feel like looking at the celeb for a longer time, the shoe lace trick might not really work. While you can continue to keep tying your shoe laces alternatively repeatedly, you can not do it for more than a couple of minutes. Also, you run the risk of being fallen over by people who are walking around with their heads turned towards the celeb and tripping over you. Your mobile phone works beautifully in this situation. Place yourself strategically so that the celeb is well within sight and then pretend to talk on your mobile phone while casually, yet intently fixing your gaze on the target. Make sure you have turned it to the silent mode to avoid embarrassment due to friends who always call at the wrong time. The call can continue for as long as you want to. Animated gestures and intermittent laughter lend greater credibility to this act

Tip 3: A lot of us might want to look at them up close. The mobile phone trick wouldn’t work here because you are obviously talking gibberish on the phone and would prefer to stay out of the hearing zone of the celeb and their companions. If you spot a celeb in a coffee shop or a restaurant, take the seat close to them. Ideally a seat at an angle of elevation of 45 degrees is apt for such a mission. I have demonstrated that in the diagram below for a quick reference.

Diagram: Celebrity and You at a 45 degree angle of elevation

There is a strong probability that the celeb would be visited by other celebs and you don’t want to miss the opportunity of getting two birds with one stone! Order the cheapest drink in the menu so that a refill doesn’t burn a hole in your pocket. You could also order a sandwich and finish it really slowly… then, after you’ve had the sandwich, kill your time by licking the sauce. It comes for free so you can always ask for more.

Tip 4: This one is for those who want to go a step ahead and actually strike a conversation with the celeb. This isn’t easy considering the fact that you might have AWE written all over your face. So the trick is to act as normal as you can strike a casual conversation with something like- “Could you please help me with the time?” and then follow it up with - “ Hey ! I know you.. Are you from the silver screen?” Or if that sounds too obvious then go with- “Excuse me, I think you are on my seat” and then create a row. Celebrities like overwhelming people with their presence but they also hate negative publicity. More often than not, they would try to press upon you who they are and this is the opportunity you need to grab. Here’s how the conversation should materialize:

You: Excuse me, I think you are on my seat...

Celeb: Sorry? But I found this unoccupied..

You: You mean to say I am lying? You want me to prove I am right? Do you want me to call everyone in the coffee shop to come and testify?? Is anyone listening? This person has taken my seat! .. Police!

Celeb: (In panic) He.. hello.. excuse me .. I think you are getting it all wrong.. you see I am Kaifreena Kat.. the filmstar…

You: Well yeah? You expect me to believe that? Let’s see your signature… I know Kaifreena Kat’s signatures…. Here.. write something on this tissue .. something like – “ I loved having coffee with you – Love Kaifreena” and then sign..

The celeb would weigh her options and then obviously would see this as an easier way out. She would sign on the tissue and there you go.. an all personalized autograph that you can brag about to your friends!

Tip 5: I call this tip - paparazzo panache. As the name indicates, this one is for fans who not only want to see celebs but also want to click them. Now celebs are really weary of cameras (for obvious reasons) so the trick here is to be as secretive as possible with the act. Two possible ways to do this effectively:

― Sit at a right angle to the celeb and pretend to talk on your phone. With the phone pressed to the ear facing the celeb, click the camera button to capture the celeb at the right moment. This might take some practice but it is an easier ruse to pull off

― If your phone/camera has a timer, fix the timer for around 5 seconds and toss it towards the celeb. The trajectory should be such that the camera should be right in front of the celebrity while on its projectile motion downwards. I would recommend this only for physicists or engineers since a successful execution required complex mathematical calculations

I would strongly recommend against asking the celeb to pose for a picture because I believe in taking natural photographs like this one:

A celeb in a natural pose

Finally, you might want to make one lasting impression on the celeb before either you or she/he leaves. My suggestion is present her/him with one of the following:

― Emptied sachets of the ketchup you licked

― Crumbs of the sandwich you devoured

― The last few sips of the cappuccino you had

These are not the kind of gifts they would normally get so you are bound to make a lasting impression.

A word of caution though - Make sure you bolt after making the offering. I am saying this for the simple reason that I have never stayed back to see what happens if you don’t run. Good Luck.

Sincerely,

The Blah Man

EEEKS!

It's funny what Chennai heat and customer care executives can do to one's mental state. While all this while I have had bouts of insanity dealing with the servicing team of my erstwhile refrigerator and mobile phone, a friend elevated herself to the next level. She wrote a letter to her boyfriend amidst the frustration of several rounds of futile interactions with the customer care team of a leading telecom company. I am reproducing the content of the letter here. Let this be the benchmark of frustration and the subsequent vent-out of the most effective kind.

TO: J

Subject: Airtel.Is not my friend.

Dear J,

After incessant follow up, submitting documents, running around in the Chennai heat to go to the nearest Airtel showroom, which happens to be at the annoying distance of ‘too far to walk to in this heat, too close for an auto to let go of the chance to be an total chor’, Airtel finally pretends they have received no documents from me and have disconnected my number altogether.

Why baby. Why would they do this.

I am now beyond rage, which is normal when you don’t have a face to target it at. I do however pity the customer care executive who will come face to face with me this evening at the Airtel showroom. He has no idea I cry when I’m angry.

Should be fun.

In recent service awards based on research by Frost and Sullivan, Airtel was declared the best service provider in India. Imagine that. In the whole country baby.

If ever there was a good reason to immigrate..

..And to think, I almost applied to Frost and Sullivan when they were recruiting on campus. Clearly, they are completely retarded and have no idea how to interpret data.

In fact, they might just be inefficient enough to find a job at Airtel.

I will now log off. I will think positive. I will go to Airtel. I will be calm and I will find a good customer care executive who will help me sort this out in no time and my number will be up and running and I shall have no further problems with Airtel for the duration of my time here…

.. and then little fairies will find me and I shall fly with them into the night and take over the world.

Much love.

Yours,

S.

P.S I have taken S's permission to put this up. She and I both believe that this will serve as a pathbreaking example on How to handle EIICS syndrome( Extreme Insanity due to Issues of Customer Service.Pronounced: Eeeeks!)

Regards,

The Blah man

Missing

MISSING

Two black shoes with 2 grey socks stuffed in them. Last seen in my drawing room on the evening of Friday, May 23,2009. The right shoe is called Jugnu and has a small scar on its right side and the left one is known as Jhingur and has an absolutely clear spotless skin. Both look a good pair together and it is highly likely that they would be found together.

The shoes and the socks were found missing today morning and I have a suspicion that some really visiually/mentally challenged person ran away with them because Jugnu and Jinghur were in the company of other shoes who were far better placed in life like - A white Nike, A black Adidas and some floaters and slippers from reputed brand families. The sudden departure of both of them has left me distraught and utterly embarrased for having to wear sports shoes over formal trousers to office today.

If anybody comes across Jugnu and Jinghur or gets any information on their whereabouts, please contact your nearest police station immediately. I have already registered an FIR to this effect .

Suspects: The Maid, The neighbour (an old man who had been casting an evil eye on Jugnu), One of the Zoozoos from the Vodafone campaign

Sad and shaken,

The Blah Man

P.S: Additional info - The socks were called Sockrates and Sockvinder

How I Got My House: Episode 2 - The Landlord

Luke and Lea are quiet. After reassuring myself that they had stabilized, I decide that it is safe to put the gun away and start with my story. Just to keep things so, I call R2D2, the family droid and ask him to aim at the kids while I narrate the story with all my histrionics. And so I begin..

Me: It was the first day of our house search - The first Sunday after the day our Landlord- let's call him Doggy,told us that he had decided to throw us out because he did not want bachelors as his tenants anymore. Doggy was the quintessential landlord - about 5 and a half feet tall, the darkest shade of ebony,had a protruding belly, moved around with two mobile phones in his hands and two bluetooth ear peices - one in each of his ears . We had several reasons to believe that he was a blood sucking vampire and hence we always kept garlic by the door to keep him away. Doggy had a terrible anger management problem and to top it all , he was a lawyer. It was common knowledge that Doggy had stopped going to the court several years ago and had taken up blood sucking as a full time job. He owned over 40 appartments in the city which he had rented out to his victims. He also owned 2 hatchbacks, 1 SUV, 1 motorbike and 1 scooter. No points for guessing that he moved around on the scooter. I still remember the first day we had gone to meet him to talk about renting the appartment. Doggy had a special dedicated room for blood sucking. If you were a tenant , you had to be in that room every first day of the month to pay the rent, which he would accept as if he had accepted the price for letting you stay alive for another month. So the first day as we entered the room, we noticed this other guy sitting with an expression that reminded me of a squashed tomato. The squashed tomoto was trying his best to argue his case with Doggy and it appeared to be a money issue. Doggy was however not interested since he had two fresh - still full of life young men waiting for him to suck their blood. We should've seen it coming that day, but we chose to believe that the squashed tomato had probably goofed up really bad to deserve that treatment. It was the second big mistake we had comitted with regards to Chennai .The first ofcourse was coming to Chennai.

There after every month , for 10 months we dutifully went to Doggy's blood sucking room on the first day of the month to pay our rent for the house. Doggy on the other hand never showed up at our place to bother us which we believe was due to the garlic. Never, unitil the day he announced that he was looking for fresh blood and we should start packing our bags.

Lea: So, what did you you do? Did you find another house? Was it as good as the previous one?

Clearly, Lea has found herself completely engrossed in my narration and can not wait to get to the end. But I am no ordinary reconteur. So I ask her to be patient.

Me: Hang on..hang on...this isn't getting over fast. Finding a house is no easy job! One has to take care of several things. Why dont we grab a cup of coffee... this will take time..

To be continued..

How I Got My House: Episode 1

The year is 2050. I am sitting on a chair and my children are seated in front of me on a couch.They are called Luke and Lea ( I have an uncanny feeling that some hollywood director might just like these names and name his movie's protagonists after them. Also, I feel that the movie might have something to do with space age et al.) Both Luke and Lea are into their teens and have plans with friends, but I, have forced them to sit and listen to a gripping tale of "How I got my house"
Me: So kids, today I will tell you an interesting story of how I got my house.
LU: Aw C'mon ! I've got to go and catch a movie today with Lonku! He's always made to watch The Dark Knight with Uncle Manku and gets an off only on Saturdays when Uncle Manku is busy shooting kids in the neighbourhood..
LE: And I have a lot of geekwork to catch up on with Parthibha, she's managed to get hold of Uncle Partha's Geek gadgets ! He usually hides them under his pillow and we seldom get such opportunities!
Me: I know , I know.. but I've got to tell you this story and you both bloody listen...
I point guns at the kids' heads and they sit back tight to enjoy the tale.

To be continued.......

House That!

In the month of February this year, Murphy struck more than once. First our Refrigerator conked off and then our landlord asked us to vacate the house. Though both these incidents appear to be very innocuous, they have both gone on to become epic tales which I shall narrate to my grand children some day to establish myself a hero in front of them. I will write more on both these issues on some lazy Sunday afternoon, but for now, here's a classified ad that you might come across if you were looking for a rented accomodation in Chennai:

The picture was clicked and shared by a colleague, and apparantly Mr. Champak is a popular broker who is known for his innovative copywriting. The grapewine is that several ad agencies have tried to rope him in but Mr. Champak prefers to operate solo.

I have a house now but I am sure that if I had come across Mr. Champak's ad before I would've taken a house through his services only.. after all, not everyone can offer you houses of Milk and Jaggery!
Sincerely,

The Blah Man

What's that!

I was in Pondicherry last weekend. I thought I would draft a post out of my experience in Pondy and put some sensible stuff on this seldom updated rotten blog which I had hoped would fetch me a lot fo money some day (Sigh...!). Well as it turns out, I was made to realise this yet again that sensible writing is not my forte.

So here it is the most remarkable part of my Pondy experience; While on a beach (locally known as the Paradise beach) I saw this:

I could infer the following from this sight with reasonable amount of confidence :

1. Aspiring to be a mermaid is not a prerogative of only women
2. As our nation progresses through an increasingly liberalised economy , it is o.k to use your underwear as your swimming trunk ( Don't question the connection between economy and underwear here, it's a complex mathematical calcullation; too esoteric to be elucidated here)
3. Indians are not dark skinned, it's just that we like to lie in the summer sun at noon wearing our underwear and unknowingly get more tanned than we'd like to

A closer look into the picture would reveal that our friend also tried to rub some sand on his body to add some oomph to the look. Baywatch babes , watch out!

Sincerely,

The Blah Man

SHIT!

Almost one year into Chennai, I am still amazed by the sheer volume of content Chennai land can provide me to write about. Here’s the latest:

TATTI. No,I am not expressing any disgust here. I am actually spelling out the acronym for TAMILNADU ADVANCED TECHNICAL TRAINING INSTITUTE; an engineering college in Chennai.

If you were to analyze the implications of being associated with the institute, you could spend an entire day discovering the countless repercussions of the association. I have put down a few below:

1. To start with, you would be called a TATTIan
2. If your uncle asked you – “Beta, what are you doing these days?” your reply would probably be - “ I am currently in my first year at TATTI”
3. If you had to put in your ambitions , you would start by writing, “After 4 years in TATTI, I intend to join a big software company”
4. You could get the “Most outstanding performance in TATTI” award
5. If you were a topper through out, your certificate of merit would say – “ Mr. Chintu topped TATTI consecutively for four years”
6. You would refer to your friends as –“ My friends from TATTI”
7. After graduating, you would fondly remember your TATTI days
8. If you were to come across an old friend from college years later, you would introduce him to your family by saying - “ Pooja and I go back all the way to TATTI, back then, she was known as Poo”
9. You would - over a period of your four years of association- say “I love TATTI” several times. Alternatively, you could also be saying “I HATE TATTI” but then who doesn’t!
10. It wouldn’t seem weird if someone asked you -“Kall TATTI Jaega?” (“Will you go to TATTI tomorrow?”)
11. Also God forbid if you were to miss college for 7 days, you would tell your friends – “ Its been 7 days since I went to TATTI”
12. You would be leave writing leave applications for not going to TATTI when you are sick or travelling home

There are several possibilities, and I leave it to the readers to add on to this. Any more of this from me and I would be prosecuted for bull-shitting

For all the non-believers, here’s the link to TATTI’s website: www.tatti.ifline.com

Sincerely,
The Blah Man

Important Announcement

I have decided that I am going to abstain from writing long posts. This is a result of an in-depth analysis done by me over the last few weeks. I would spare my readers of the details since they are too esoteric for the common folk and sum up the reasons for this decision. Though there are 5 reasons, I will explain only the first two and not elaborate the other three since they are too controversial and might damage my reputation as one of the finest story tellers of this generation

1.I am too indolent to write long posts at higher frequency
2.It’s easier to talk intellectual bullshit in spurts
3.Reason number 3
4.Reason number 4
5.Reason number 5

For the sake of clarity, the aforementioned reasons are in their order of priority.

Sincerely,

The Blah Man

It's a GOAL!

It is around 10 in the night. I don’t have a very clear idea of the time but my super human sense of time indicates that it is close to 10 pm. I can feel the heat of the situation; my calf muscles are pulled up and are begging for rest, my heart is racing and the adrenalin is rushing as if it’s chasing the last local train out of CST. Yet, I ignore all of this. All I need now is to keep my focus going for a few more minutes and then the glory shall be mine.

Standing underneath the bright floodlights on a green carpet of soft grass, I look around at the cheering crowd in the stadium. The chants of my name by thousands of fans, banners reading - “We love you No.10!”, and security persons lined up on the upper stands’ parapet to keep my female fans from jumping off in excitement; all these elements urge me to carry on. All 11 of us are dressed in blue, the official color of the Indian cricket team. But this isn’t cricket. This is football, a game that was never a forte of Indians.

I am not probably the best person to comment on how things changed for India and me. I have a feeling that I have the entire story intact in my subconscious mind but somehow after that fateful incident when I was hit on the head by a load of bird shit I forgot all about my past life (I will share the details of the unfortunate incident some other time). Anyway, let me just sum it up in one breath before I start sounding unbelievable - “India is playing the finals of the world cup. The venue is probably Eden gardens, the rivals are some random team dressed in yellow. Our team is in blue and although I cant recognize all of them, I can definitely identify Ronaldo, Rooney, Ballack , Beckham and Bhutia.

At the moment, we are into the last 50 seconds of the game. The scores are tied at 2-2. I know that if we don’t score another goal, our chances of winning are as good as zero. Our goalkeeper ‘D’ was once a wicket keeper for the Indian cricket team but could never do much to keep the small cricket ball from escaping him. He thought he had a better chance at collecting bigger balls and landed into the national football team.
Beckham is taking a shot after a player from the opponent’s team grabbed Ronaldo inappropriately while trying to tackle the ball. As Beckham takes the shot, I can already see the opportunity slipping out of our hands. The shot clearly doesn’t match up to the international levels of professional football. I make a mental note of kicking him out of the team after this match since he has lost his sheen after being dumped by Posh. However, I need to make up for the bad shot and give my best to the moment. I keep a close eye on the ball as it flies almost opposite to the opponents’ goal post, hitting Ronaldo on the face (I suppose it’s just not a good day for him). Bhutia , who is standing just behind the centre line hits it back using his chest in a movement resembling the way our Tennis icons Paes and Bhupati used to celebrate a point by hitting their chests against each others’ . The ball flies almost half the length of the field and sensing an opportunity, I make a dash for it. The ball lands in the opponents’ D and I slide a good 10 feet to make a contact with it and push it through one of the rival players (who I believe is Andrew Symonds). With no time to waste as we move into the last 10 seconds of the game, I get back on my feet and run with the ball towards the goal.

The goalkeeper along with 4 other players, charges at me forming a human wall between me and the goal. I weigh my options quickly and decide to get in my super acrobatic skills into play (I acquired these skills while I was a super hero in Cambodia). I hold the ball in between my feet and perform a semi somersault. As a result, I am on both my hands and my legs are up with the ball caught between my feet. The next moment I toss the ball above the human wall using the momentum of my legs.

Everybody watches with bated breath as the ball clears the wall and soars into the goal post. A blanket of silence covers the stadium for a few seconds. The world has just witnessed an act of unprecedented athleticism. The crowd erupts into a victory roar and all my team mates rush to hug me. I acknowledge the crowd, I toss the ball and with all my might hit it to the stands…..

…… There is an unbearable pain in my right foot. The right big toe is throbbing and I am trying hard to stop a scream from escaping my mouth. As I slowly get back to my senses I realize that I had hit the wall next to my bed in full strength.

I missed the Gym and limped all day. The pain subsided but somehow the memory has refused to get diluted. I take it as my moral responsibility to apprise my readers with this because I have chosen to believe that this incident is only a harbinger of bigger things to come.

Also, please do not be appalled by the mention of international stars in the Indian football team. My extensive research of the dream tells me that this was probably because these are the only names I know from the world of football. My apologies to all football fans if I have hurt their sentiments in any way.

Sincerely,
The Blah Man

Nonty will never be back :(

With great grief I announce the sad demise of Nonty. After being in the operation theatre for over 60 hours, he was declared dead today at 1500 hours. Nonty was diagnosed with acute hydrophillia; an ailment which ultimately took him to his deathbed.

On December 18, 2008 Nonty landed himself into deep shit when he jumped into a flushing toilet. After being rescued, Nonty was given first aid under a 100W lamp. When attempts to resuscitate failed, he was put under the hand drier in the office toilet but to no avail. It was then that he was rushed to the NCU (Nokia Care Unit). Nonty was admitted amidst serious doubts on complete revival and was put through a lengthy operation from December 19th onwards.
As I waited anxiously at the delivery desk, the chief technician informed me with a somber face and load of spit: " Sorry we khan not be able to rephair it Sir!" Drenched in the conversational spit , I walked out of the NCU;petrified and emotionless. It was only after a lot of words of comfort from my friends that I decided to write down this obituary.

Nonty was a great companion and a Phonetastic photographer. In a lifespan of just 10 months he took over 800 high quality photographs in the most perilous locations like the public toilets of shopping malls Garment stores with shady names and People wearing funny clothes and accessories. All these pictures were contributed to the posts about the city of Chennai on my blog.

Let’s get together and observe a moment of silence for the brave Nonty, who gave up his life in the line of duty.

Regards,

The Blah Man

P.S: In Nonty’s absence, Nannu would fill in for his role.

Monty is Back!

I have been under tremendous pressure for some time now. The reason is that I haven’t updated this space for 2 months now and hence it becomes imperative that I have a celebrated comeback.
My wait for a seriously ridiculous thing to happen to me was brought to an end when a friend and I decided to watch Hemesh Reshammiya’s Karzzzzzzz last Sunday.
This post is dedicated to HR and his ability to make a star* of himself in whatever he does.

* A wise person once said – “A word may not spell what it is supposed to mean”

The movie has some brilliant display of HR’s acting and singing abilities. While he relentlessly continues to croon is songs which are bound to make you NOSEtalgic, his acting abilities surely appear to have been honed since his debut.

A few things that’ll make every HR fan proud:
HR’s open arms: Our Himesh Bhai’s favorite pose. Once in every song, he stretches out his hands, closes his eyes, puts on a constipated look on his face and stands in the middle of a crowd of people to render a unique sound which one would first believe to be a mating call. It has been discovered that this sound has multiple frequency levels and can even be heard by dolphins several thousand miles across. Recently a group of marine scientists in Australia were befuddled when they found dolphins change their behavior dramatically between 12 pm and 12 am everyday. The dolphins were also seen exhibiting a strong affinity to capped men in boats. They virtually jumped out of the sea to reach out to these men and made desperate attempts to pinch their caps. Scientists believe that this behavior can only be attributed to a unique high frequency sound which evokes the dolphins to indulge in this kind of behavior. Whether the sound pleases them or irritates them is yet to be discovered.
HR makes women fall for him at the drop of his cap: Literally. While his earlier movie had shots where the crowd went crazy for him, his second movie shows us what HR can do if he takes his cap off. In the first song of the movie you can see several firang and desi babes fainting as HR strikes his deadly open arms pose. You can also see the ushers and security guards waiting for them to drop so that they can carry them away. All those women who had doubts on Himesh’s CAPabilities, please take note.
HR can play the electric guitar with no strings attached: Our HR needs no cords and knows no chords. He plays the electric guitar effortlessly without any electricity cords attached and to add to it his abilities are so extreme that he doesn’t need to move through the frets of his guitar. He just has to hold it and it plays whatever he wants it to play. At times I feel that he can even produce the guitar sound from his mouth. Especially because he NOSE that he doesn’t need his mouth to sing.
HR has his own favorites: I found this out after watching Karzzzzz. In a particular scene Urmila Matondkar (clearly jealous of HR’s hair ) asks him after smelling his perfume – “Casablanca?” and our Himesh puts on the most somber look on his face , looks into her eyes, flares up his nostrils and says without a smile, “Yes. It is my favorite” I could give him an Oscar just for the way he delivered that line on screen. I am sure a lot of women in the theatres ( if there were any) would have bitten their lips on that one!

A final piece of advice for all those planning to watch the movie: Please take it with a pinch of salt. The movie is actually a spoof of the original Karz, only that the producer has forgotten to mention it. Please do not blame Himesh Reshammiya , IT IS MEANT TO BE THAT WAY!!!
Also, please do not leave any comments bad mouthing HR. I shall not tolerate any such behavior **
Sincerely,
The Blah Man

** I am kidding please go ahead :)

Attention Marketers!

I was in Kanpur recently for some work (Yes, I also work). A colleague took me to a famous sweet seller and while everybody enjoyed their sweets, I was lost -appreciating the brilliant bit of marketing a low profile Halwai had put into his business.

I took a picture and decided that it would contribute to the first sane entry on my blog

The Tag line says “Aisa Koi Saga Nahi, Jisko Hamne Thaga Nahi!”

Mr. Thaggu planned to diversify. Keeping in mind that his core competence lay in sweets, he introduced a new but related product - Kulfi and aptly named it as Badnaam Kulfi; keeping the notorious brand positioning in mind all the while!

For those who didn’t know, Thaggu ke Laddoo are famous not only in Kanpur but across the country. Also featured in several Hindi movies, these Laddoos enjoy quite a fan following.

Sincerely,
The Blah Man

P.S: I took me an entire day to decide if I wanted to write anything sensible on this blog and a sleepless night wondering if I did the right thing by putting it up.

Adapting to Chennai-Land

In an attempt to completely paint myself in the colors of Chennai, I have been doing a lot of frivolous things of late. A list of five such things I did during the last week follows:

1. I spat on at least 18 people while talking to them. This averages out to about 2.6 people every day which I think is good progress considering I spat at only 7 people during the week before – This translates into a growth of 160%!

2. I haggled with Auto walas for absolutely frivolous reasons. For example, I asked the Auto walas to charge one rupee less in fare when the prices of milk went up by one rupee citing an increase in my expenses without a commensurate increase in my salary as the reason

3. I moved around with a bovine expression on face. I have a feeling that this conceals the intellectual look I have and makes me look as one of them

4. I resolved to wear a lungi to bed..Soon!

5. I watched a Tamil blockbuster


Of the five things listed above, the most painful experience was sitting through the 3 ½ hour long Tamil blockbuster. The movie has Tamil super star Kamala Hassan playing 10 roles and has turned me into a Kamala Hassan devotee (I am planning to construct a chain of Kamala Temples across the country). For the benefit of the readers let me mention the best thing about the movie. One of Mr. Hassan’s avatars is a Sardar who is a famous pop singer. The brilliance of the script lies in the attention paid to detail with our Sardar pop icon singing Tamil songs. To add to this, the script also offers a sneak preview of cutting edge technology in the field of medical science when after being diagnosed with terminal throat cancer, our star singer recovers completely when he is shot in the throat by a bullet. The logic of course is that as the bullet travelled through his throat , it took the cancer along. Extremely believable.

I have now decided to watch a Tamil movie every month. This would help me maintain a level of insanity and keep my readers happy with more of my trade mark badinage on offer.

For those wondering why I decided to watch the movie in the first place, the reason is free popcorn and Coke that was offered to all the employees of my organization for sitting through the movie.

Sincerely,

The Blah Man

Back to Chennai

The Bombay tales are over and I am back in Chennai. Just as I was beginning to feel that I've seen it all, I came across this unique sight in one of the most frequented washrooms in the whole of Chennai.

The washroom in discussion exists in the oldest and largest shopping mall of Chennai - Spencer Plaza. The place is always full of people and quite a place to hangout if you want to check out the local crowd.

Believe it or not, but as you enter the Gents washroom, the wall opposite to the entrance greets you with the sign - "LEG WASH"

My reaction - "!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Unbelievable stuff! I clicked a picture even as every other person performing his usual act in the loo was scandalized and tried covering whatever they felt was at the risk of exposure.

Please excuse the quality of the picture as I couldn't get the focus right to avoid a yet another story titled -" Man beaten up for taking pictures in the loo"

And before anybody accuses me of getting Chennai and it's people a bad name, I would like to wash my legs of this affair.

Sincerely ,
The Blah Man